Egonoia: Me, Myself, and I (And Everything In-Between)

II: 26-50

Question #26: Who has done something today to show they care about you?

     My friend, formerly my best-friend from childhood. I reached out to her today, after not speaking to her since my birthday last year (late July); life and my parents' influence (they don't like her) kept me occupied. Anyway, just us talking about our issues, however briefly, made me feel like I was actually being listened to. Don't get me wrong, I've told my online friends my problems many times, but it's just different when it's someone you've known since elementary school. She's been through shit; I've been through shit. It's different shit compared to the other but, on some level, we can relate. It was really nice, having a chat with her. I don't see us ever reconnecting enough to be best-friends again, but I can see us always being friends in general.

     {I'm worried about tomorrow. I'm going to the dentist for the first time in...quite a few years, actually. I'm scared I'll panic in public. I'm more terrified of my mother; I asked her if we could eat somewhere and she mentioned eating inside briefly, which I shot down because I know that she'd force me to order for myself, putting me in a position where my anxiety will spike. I'm terrified because she might do this anyway, make us go indoors and force me to interact with a stranger. Maybe I should prepare myself for this potential outcome, so I'm less likely to have an anxiety/panic attack in public?}

Question #27: Do you have a lot to learn?

     Don't we all? I certainly do, no doubts there.

     I (still) need to learn to fully forgive myself for everything I've done in the past, to former friends and family. And I need to learn to do better, so I don't potentially revert back into that kind of person with that kind of toxic behavior. I need, like, anger management classes or something; I get heated real fast and tend to take it out on my siblings (still), which would be either yelling/getting loud when talking to them or throwing something at them aggressively (never something that could seriously injure them; more something like an empty water bottle that'll just make them angrier at me). Siblings will be siblings but I really need to get my anger in check. It makes me feel like Dad, who has massive anger issues himself. Plus, I just, I feel regret right afterwards, because I know it's not right but I don't know how to control it on my own (since there's no way in hell my parents will believe there's an issue with me because "everyone gets angry sometimes". They'd totally say that; it's how they are about these things. They don't want their "perfect" family image ruined, in case a family member outside our household finds out.)

     It doesn't... *sigh* Oh, boy, I'm about to sound like one of my former online friends. It doesn't make me a bad person, or so my aforementioned friend keeps telling me whenever I have a mental breakdown over these events; it just means... I was misguided and dumb for a while, specifically in my teens. I didn't like hearing that from him, my ex, the one I just recently said goodbye to, permanently. I didn't like hearing it because no matter fucking what, I was always an angel to him; I could do no wrong. In fact, in our very last conversation, when I apologized, again, for my own shit I did to him in return for what he'd done to me, he said what he always said; "nah, you shouldn't be sorry; I deserved it" or "you did nothing bad, though, so don't apologize." Fucking what? I did do bad things, regardless if someone deserved it or not. It fucked with my brain, made me all "maybe I am a good person", "maybe I did nothing wrong after all", etc. BUT THAT'S THE FURTHEST FROM THE TRUTH! God, I'm glad I don't have to hear that particular bullshit from him anymore; I was a bad person and I can still be a bad person; I acknowledged many wrongdoings and fixed them/avoided doing them again whilst keeping the habit of yelling and throwing shit at people when angry.