Lacy || Malachi Barton

001

The other thing about depression is it kind of collapses time. Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop.

Everyday I find myself in an endless loop living the same day over and over.

I wake up, go to school, get tormented the whole time, go home, and repeat the loop again.

but the absolute worst part of depression is that even though you know you're depressed, you're unable to stop yourself from getting worse.

You know that its wrong and you want to stop being depressed and get better but you find some weird comfort in being sad so you refrain from getting the help you so desperately need to save your life.

I had gotten myself out of depression about a year ago, but I'm afraid that I might not get out of this one.

Its been going on for about two months and it has stuck with me since then.

Staying up every single night staring at my phone, either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of my loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream or praying just for one second I could feel the warmth of equally returned love.

Talking down on myself whenever possible because my life is shit and I deserve it, right? I must have done something real bad Its nearly impossible for me to cry now.

Avoiding my friends for weeks even though they're the only sense of consistency I have left in my life, if they really wanted to see me they'd come, but they won't.

Allowing myself to lose interest in the things I love watching as I begin to take a backseat To the world around me.

But most importantly drown every single one of my feelings In old stolen rum, learn to love the taste of it dripping down my throat find comfort in the warmth coming from my stomach knowing that i'm drinking bottled love now.

I don't need other people to drive away my loneliness I just needed to find a way to talk to it.

And thats exactly what I did. I don't need other people to help me nor do I want peoples help, so I isolate myself as much as I can.

But yet again here I find myself sitting with about 15 people at a lunch table. All these damn seats and of course my "assigned" seat at the lunch table is the one in front of Vanessa and Malachi

I swear its like she did this on purpose. She doesn't know I like him obviously because if she did, I would never hear the end of her constant belittling and she would never stop making fun of me and bringing up the fact that shes with him.

Everyday I have to sit through Vanessa and Malachi flirting and laughing throughout all of lunch time. It eats me alive every time I see them together.

It makes me want to lay down in a bathtub of freezing water until my suffering ends. I hate seeing how happy they are with eachother.

Each day I pray to whoever can hear me to please find a way to heal my internal pain, all the battles that I'm constantly fighting with myself, the battles that are eating me alive, and the battles that might end my journey of life one of these days.

None of my friends know about any of this, I usually tend to keep to my self which is surprising considering im in a friendgroup full of people who like to share every detail of their life.

I usually just sit there quietly until lunch is over and no one usually bothers me, but sometimes they do, like right now.

"Hey Sunnee you alright? Youre being really quiet." I whipped my head in the direction of the person speaking to me and see that its Zach, one of Malachis friends.

Great, now the whole table is looking at me seriously?

"Yeah im fine." I said shrugging my shoulders. Thankfully he just shut up after that and everyone went back to their conversations.

I looked over at the only girl who I consider to be one of my friends. Once I got her attention I spoke to her.

"Hey Leilani, I'm gonna go to the bathroom in case anyone asks." I spoke in a whisper to which she just responded "Alright."

As I was walking away I heard Malachis voice.

"Is she alright? Where is she going?" He asked to which Leilani quickly answered.

"Shes going to the bathroom." She told him.

"Oh, alright then." He responded.

As soon as I entered the bathroom I quickly locked myself in one of the stalls in the far left corner.