Slasher: Devil's Rose #10

Chapter 23: Iris Callahan

"You're fucking incredible. It's perfect, absolutely perfect. I'll see you tonight for gossip. Have fun with your man," Caterina bubbles through the phone and hangs up on me without letting me get a chance to say goodbye.

I turn my attention back to Jax who hands me a cup of chai. It's not actual homemade chai because he doesn't know how to make it, but it's delicious chai from the box. I sip at the chai while we sit on the couch, Jax still on the phone with Alpha. 

Alpha certainly has a lot of information to share about the upcoming trip. I guess that makes sense since they are dealing with issues that are probably more complicated than I realize, but I can tell that Jax is getting stressed about it. 

I rest my left hand on his forearm and hope that it's calming him slightly at least. I feel him take a deep breath and watch as his chest rises and falls slowly.

After about another ten minutes of Alpha speaking to him about other things, which I know because Jax stopped taking notes, he flops his head into my lap, heaving a sigh.

"What's wrong?" I ask, not understanding why he's so stressed about this.

"There's a lot of pressure on me for this one. If I can do this without too many mistakes, Alpha won't feel the need to be watching my every move. And I want that so bad," he murmurs.

"But you know that even if you did make a mistake you would be supported, right?"
"As long as I don't hurt anyone, flower," he speaks honestly.

"And you won't. I promise that you won't. You don't need to be so afraid, sweet boy."

It takes him a moment to say anything back to me, and his only words are a quiet thank you. I'm not sure what's going on with him. There's something that I won't say he's hiding from me, but I don't think I'm getting the full picture. Yes, he very much should not have killed those people the way he did. 

I wonder, after only a couple of days of knowing him, how do I trust that he won't hurt me like he hurt them? But it's less of a how and more of a why. I know deep in my bones, in my gut, that he would never hurt me, at least never hurt me intentionally because feelings can be hurt regardless of what we do to prevent it.

MC culture is definitely a type of culture I haven't encountered before. For people outside of it, it can be very exclusionary, especially for someone (me) who is trying to be part of it in some way. I mean, by default, being around Jax means that I have some influence of the MC on my life. 

I can't get around that if I want to be in his life, and he wants me to be in his. Due to the secret nature of their plans and connections and all this shit, it pushes people away. That's partly the reason it's so secretive is to alienate and separate others. 

It's a way to protect the MC from outsiders who don't care about the MC. However, it leaves a wake of a sort of sadness around not being able to see deeper into a person I care about.

There are things about Jax's life that I may never know, that I probably will never know, because of his life in the MC. I guess for love - if it ever comes to love and clearly has with other official members of Devil's Rose - a person can not feel hurt by it personally and push it aside to be with the person they love. 

That takes a lot of strength and bravery in my opinion. I'm trying to get closer to him, trying to be a supportive figure in his life, but that's never truly going to happen unless I know more, unless I can know more. That's the honest truth. And I'm sure there are ways that I can get more information, but it's something that comes with time. 

While I have grown very very fond of Jax, I'm not hundred percent convinced that I have the courage to take the risk and see what happens. I keep trying to repeat it to myself. Go with the flow, see what happens, blah, blah, blah.

But I'm not that type of person. I'm a planner and always have been. I've known what I've wanted, and even if I get off track, I know that one day my goals will work out. I keep working toward them, pushing for my wants in life. 

Jax, he's just thrown me a massive curveball. I don't even know what I want when it comes to him. I'm flying by the seat of my pants every second. And jumping into something that I'm not ready for with a guy who (though he's wonderful and sweet and gentle) has some shit he needs to work through - like the rest of us - is not my style. 

I don't think I'll ever be ready for the MC life even if I have all the information I can possibly get about what they are doing and the lives they are leading and have taken. Even who they are going after next.

I just don't know. I really don't know.

I mean, for a person who needs to plan everything, I think I've been doing quite all right with Jax so far. The mental block is coming to the surface because we're getting closer and are trying to get to know each other. 

If he wasn't someone that I wanted to know more about or cared or whatever, I wouldn't have this problem. I would say "fuck it. It's two nights with a guy who is just there to make me cum." That would be the end of it, I wouldn't ever see him again, and I wouldn't worry about anything. 

But I'm literally going on a trip to Dallas with Jax. I'm about to get into a car with him. I have met his friends and know intimate details about his life. 

It's more than just sex with him, and if I think about it, the night we met, I had a feeling it was always going to be more than just sex if I decided to go home with him. I did. 

I'm facing the consequences of that action, and it's not coming in the form of pregnancy. Not that getting pregnant would be any less complex but they're are two different consequences nonetheless.

"You're thinking about something," Jax states (the obvious).

"We are always thinking about something," I retort but using it as a way to deflect his statement.

He's going to know about what is a normal human thing.

"What are you thinking about then? Cause it seems intense."

Honesty is the best policy. Isn't that a saying? Shouldn't I tell him the truth? I'm slightly frustrated by not being able to get the whole truth out of him. Should I let him face that too? Or I be honest and tell him exactly that? 

I want to know all of him and not only the information that he can give me. Well, not that because I know that he can't, but I want a little more from him. I want to know where he wants this to go. 

And if it's more long-term which I am on board to try, what that's going to be like with the Devil's Rose MC? What would a relationship look like if he couldn't be open with me?

"A big debate is going on inside your head. Talk to me. I want to know what you're thinking about to help you," Jax butts into my thoughts.

"Please don't get mad at me for this though. Because I know it's part of your life, and I'm not trying to change that. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it."

He sits up, eyeing me.

"You're being extremely cryptic. And I won't get mad at you for telling me what you think, what you're feeling. I want to know because I care about you. I want to work through the things that impact us together," he speaks firmly but with care and tenderness.

Us. Us. Us.

We are an us. He said it. It's not my fault that we are now as us. That we can call ourselves that. I didn't think he was ready for that. But if he is, it's an all-in type of move. No one can tell me otherwise. Because there are many different ways to put what he said, but he chose to say "us." Now that is something I can roll with.