This Disease Called Depression...

Contemplating

It just hits me out of nowhere.
Nothing triggers it.
Nothing happened.
But it just comes.
Not in my eyes as tears.
But like tsunamis in my heart and brain.
It makes me feel empty, lost and crazy.
I feel like I'm going to loose everything.
And I contemplate whether to call someone or just keep it in.
But who do I call?
I have nothing but the darkness and shadows that haunt me in the dawn.
The darkness sometimes makes me feel whole.
I'm complete yet incomplete with it.
I want to get rid of it but I feel the need for it.
I actually don't know what I want.
I want happiness.
But at the same time I don't deserve it.
I want someone to be with me.
But I will hurt them.
I want someone to give me a long hug and say it's going to be 'okay'.
But I have no one.

I feel the need for a connection but I also feel the need to push away everyone I love because I will hurt them in some way.
I feel the need for a beautiful life.
Yet I feel the need to stay with my darkness and demons.

I'm screaming.
I'm dying.
I'm dead.

And I hope every second that someone will look at me and tell me they love me. Not because they are obligated to but because they honestly do.
I hope that someone will look at me in the eyes and won't ask me any questions but will just give me a hug. A long one.
I hope for a lot of things.
And every time reality knocks me down and shows me the door to hell with my name written on it.

I'm trying to tell someone that I need them. But at the same time
I'm contemplating whether to live or die. I'm questioning my existence.