How Can I Love You If I Can't Love Myself?

-Chapter 13-

Cody

What just happened? Holy shit, what just happened?

"Wow, scared away your only friend?" my dad asked, snorting as he walked up to my doorframe.

I just stared in shock, my thoughts racing. Eventually I heard my dad's footsteps recede down the hallway.

Noah...kissed me? Noah likes me? Am I gay? Do I like him? What is happening? What is wrong with me? I can't like Noah. I can't like a guy. What is wrong with me??

I hung my head in my hands, feeling ashamed, guilty, and regretful all at once. I stood up and walked over to my nightstand and grabbed my phone. I opened up messages and sent Noah a text.

Codemeister: hii, can we talk?

I stared at my screen for a while, but no response came. He must be busy, I thought.

Noah

I slammed the front door shut, feeling so overworked and embarrassed. Of course my mother was right there, ready to give me a lecture.

"Noah, we need to talk," she said sternly.

"It's just a C..." I breathed out, wanting to run away to my room.

"You are one of eight kids, and the best I've had," she started anyways. "You cannot throw your life away like this!"

"I'm not! What are you so worked up about?" I yelled at her, letting all my anger out. "It's one fucking grade! What is wrong with you?"

My mother stared at me in shock, her gaze hardening.

"What's wrong with me is that you are going to embarrass out whole family, young man," she said. "You've come this far, so it's all expected of you to make sure that my reputation is not RUINED!"

"So that's what this is all about?" I yelled once more, a hysterical, crazy look appearing on my face. I felt like breaking down into sobs right about now. "It's all about you! Of course! When has it not been about you? I mean, why should it matter if I embarrass the family, mom? EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY HAS!"

"Go to your room, right now," she said in a low voice, shooting her finger in the direction of my room.

"Gladly," I retorted. "Thanks for being so supportive!"

I stomped down the hall, slamming my door as hard as I could once I entered my room. I locked the door and went straight to my bathroom. I locked that door too, and just let myself get all my sobs out.

It felt like I would never stop crying, and it all hurt so much. I disappointed everyone. My mom hates me, Cody probably hates me, and I hate myself.

I roll my sleeves up and look at old scars that were so close to being fully healed, tears still streaming down my face. I opened up a drawer and grabbed a razor, disassembling it. I took one blade, and held it to my skin for a bit.

Then came the cuts.

It hurt, but it hurt so good. It was like all my emotions being poured out into one action. I sighed, my breath shaky. I dropped the blade, just standing in silence for a while.

Eventually, I grabbed some bandages and wrapped my arms. I reassembled the razor, and set everything back the way it was.

I crawled into my bed, snuggling under the covers tightly. I pulled put my phone and realized I had gotten a text from Cody.

Shit, I thought. He's probably been waiting for a while.

Cody

I was reading a comic and trying to take my mind off of things, but my phone dinged, causing me to lose focus. I picked it up. Noah had texted.

Noah-It-All: Yeah, sorry. I'm so sorry about everything that happened, and I'm sorry for making you wait so long for this reply. That was a really shitty thing I did, leaving you like that after...well, y'know.

Codemeister: holy fuck dude thats a long text

Codemeister: its alright lmao how about we just meet up and talk face to face

Noah-It-All: Mkay.

We texted a little longer, arranging plans. I then walked out of my room and knocked on Heather's door.

"Hm?" she asked, opening her bedroom door.

"Could you drop me off at the one woodsy trail everyone likes to explore?" I asked her. "I'm meeting Noah there."

"Finally going on a date?" she asked with a grin.

"...something like that," I mumbled. "But no, not really."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I can take you. You really ought to get your license."

She grabbed her coat and then the two of us slipped out of the house.

She pulled up by the sidewalk, letting me get out of the car. I waved goodbye as she drove away. I walked up to meet Noah with a small smile.

The woods we were walking in weren't official trails. It was just a wooded area in the town that a bunch of kids liked to explore every once in a while. Noah and I walked in silence for a bit before I spoke up.

"Um, look," I started, not really sure what to say. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm not mad or anything. And this isn't something that's going to end up ruining our friendship."

Noah nodded. "I-I'm really sorry, man. Honestly. I wasn't thinking, and then I just left you there after surprising you with...that."

I smiled slightly, remembering the kiss. "Y'know, it wasn't that bad."

"It wasn't?" Noah asked, surprised.

I shook my head. "No, it wasn't. It's just-" I sighed, not knowing how to explain.

"Cody, you can talk to me."

"My dad's just highly homophobic," I finally said. "I don't want to risk you or I getting hurt..."

"Hold on," he said, stopping. I stopped walking as well, and we turned to face each other. "Are you saying that you like me?"

I could feel my face heat up a bit. "In all honesty, I have no idea. I feel like I do, but then there's a part of me telling me that I don't, and that I'm just confused or what I'm thinking is wrong and disgusting."

Noah smiled at me sympathetically. "Cody, these feelings are wrong or disgusting. It's just love." He shrugged, and I stared at him for a while. I think he finally realized what words had come out of his mouth, because his face quickly changed expressions and he became a bit more anxious. "Not that you love me or anything! That's not what I'm getting at."

I smiled, and soon I was chuckling and then laughing. I reached out and grabbed Noah's hand, starting to walk again.

"Y'know, I think I really do like you," I said with a smile. "To hell with what my father thinks!"

I looked over at Noah, who was smiling at me as well. He squeezed my hand once. "To hell with what your father thinks!"

We both laughed together, enjoying our walk in the woods.

Wait...

...do I have a boyfriend now?

1178 words!! got some more noah angst >:3 but then also some fluff ofc! i dont want TOO much fluff besides the ending of the fic cause, well, its an angst fic lmao. but you gotta have SOME fluff

also, same little side note as the other chapters: if there are any typos, i'll be doing one final revision after i finish the fic