Adam's Apple Pie

Three - It's Called Acting

Somehow, after my session, I was able to find my way out of the forest and headed towards the city park. I could see that Gavin and the rest of the cast were waiting for me, huddled under a set of trees. I never understood why we had to rehearse out in the open, maybe Gavin was just too cheap to buy a rehearsal space. Being here exposed us to all the drunks and annoying spectators that walked past. One time during all the rehearsal we were harassed by a group of drunk teenagers that just wouldn't leave us alone. How we got through that day I'll never know.

"Sorry I'm late," I apologised, trying to get my breath back. "I had a session and lost track of time."

"No worries, Adam," Gavin said. He was smiling, but I could tell he was trying to hide his annoyance.

Richard and Sandra were not so discreet and were glaring a hole in me like she had heat vision. Sandra played Gertrude, my wife in the play. She had purple, swept over hair and glasses that made her eyes about a million times larger; which made it easier to you to see her judging you. She also wasn't as good an actress as she thought she was, but I could just about tolerate her.

"I guess our time doesn't matter to you in the least, um?"

The same could not be said about Richard; I honestly couldn't tell you how much I hated that cunt. Everything from his stupid shaved head to his dumb, hipster beard to his overly pretentious way of speaking, it was like he was trying to win the most obnoxious person award. What made it worse was that he was playing Hamlet, the lead role. I can tell you this it was NOT because of his acting – because despite him thinking he was God's gift to acting, he really wasn't – but because he was sleeping with the director. That wasn't a joke either, every play Gavin had directed, Richard was in the main role. Plus I'd seen them hold hands, so I knew that they were probably fucking each other.

I had the dumb luck of playing Claudius in this play, something of which I should have been happy with. Of all the parts I could have played in any Shakespeare, Claudius was my all-time favourite. Unfortunately, I had the rotten luck in being in this version of Hamlet.

"All right, everyone," Gavin said, picking up his script and moving his glasses up and down. "Let's start from Act 1 Scene 2."

"How did the session go, Adam?" Those were questions that I imagined regular people asking, but not Gavin. Oh well, I guess it was too much to ask for them to actually care!

Act 1 Scene 2 in Hamlet was where Claudius is first introduced and did a speech about how he accepts his duty as King after his brother died. Of course, everyone knows HE murdered the previous King and took his wife (sorry if I spoiled the ending for you, but the play IS hundreds of years old). I did the scene, took Gertrude's hand when I did the "...taken to wife" line, and kissed it.

On doing that, Sandra looked at me with the most awful look and pulled her hand away. "Sorry, Gavin," she said, "but I'm not really comfortable with Adam doing that."

"Um, why?" I asked. I dunno why she said that to Gavin and not me, but she always did this.

"hWhy did you do that, Adam?" Gavin asked me. Gavin did that annoying thing where he always pronounced his h first in wh sounding words. I know that's technically how it's supposed to go, but it just sounded so silly when he did it.

"Well, because we're husband and wife?" I said, shrugging my shoulders. "That's what they do."

"Well, I'm not happy with that," Sandra snapped. "Just because I'm your wife doesn't mean that I'm your property."

"I totally agree with that," Gavin said. "Adam, don't do that again."

"Okay..." I mean, I was just trying to act. Sandra was talking like I non-consented her – I wondered if I was going to get shamed online later.

I heard a loud sigh from Richard and I turned round just in time to see him shake his head. I noticed him send a look to Gavin as if to say "Where did you find this guy?" I grit my teeth.

We continued on the scene, getting onto Hamlet's first intro. Richard chewed the scenery so much I was surprised he was still as thin as he was. Seriously, I didn't know what his diet was, but he was virtually a skeleton. I was almost tempted to buy him a burger, but was worried he'd call me a butcher or some shit like that.

Anyway, I did my lines: "
"

"No, no, no, no, no!" Richard cried, waving his arms around like he was drowning. "This won't do, this just won't do!"

"hWhat's wrong, sweetie?" Gavin asked.

"Adam, you're not giving me anything to work with!" Richard squealed. "You're trying to convince me to see you as a father, but I'm not getting anything like that." He grabbed my hand and put it over his shoulder. "Get in, be affectionate. Get in as close. Trying to convince me to love you."

"What?" I gasped. "But Sandra said..."

Sandra tilted her head and her eyes narrowed with a "What?"

I looked away, deciding better than to argue with her. I looked towards Gavin as if asking for his advice. "Ok, we'll try that for you, Richard. Adam, get in close and try to be a bit more touchy feely with him."

Hi, bartender. I'll have a standard please! What the hell, make it a double!

"You know what this is called, darling?" Richard whispered in my ear. "It's called acting!"

Acting? I'll show you fucking acting!

I drove my fist into his chest so hard that I punched right through to the other side. His heart exploded in my hand as he vomited blood – a look of sobbing terror across his face. He fell, gasping for breath and unable to curse me. I just stood there, his crimson blood all across my arm – and all I could do was laugh.

"Adam!" cried Gavin behind me, shocked at the horror I brought forth. Bet he wished he never pissed me off now!

"ADAM!"

Fuck. I'd let my imagination run away. I bit my tongue so hard that I thought I was going to draw blood. I forced a smile and nodded hard. "Thank you again for your wonderful advice, Richard."

"Oh, you're most welcome, darling. That's what I'm here for, to help the amateurs."

I'm not sure if he heard the sarcasm in my voice or he just ignored me. I just wanted to get through this rehearsal as quickly as possible and get home.