𝔄𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔶 (Hwang Hyunjin Centric)

𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔓𝔞𝔦𝔫 𝔅𝔢𝔠𝔞𝔪𝔢 ℜ𝔢𝔞𝔩

(Hyunjin's POV)

𝔐y vision was oddly blurry and I all I could hear was the incoherent words of my friends as the laughed and chatted with each other. I faked a smile on my face whenever I noticed one of there blurry figures looking at me, I looked down at my hands after feeling this odd sensation, from what I could see they were shaking uncontrollably, I pulled my long sleeves over my hands and held the ends.

I could feel my stomach screaming at me to eat, yet I felt like throwing up, I didn't want to do anything, eating was the last thing on my mind.

Lee know had walked up to me, I felt him sit next to me, I tried to not make eye contact, as it meant I'd have to fake more happiness into my facial expression, yet he managed to look me dead straight into my tired eyes.

"Aren't you having fun?" Lee know smiled brightly at me, one thing that brought an actually smile to my face, was seeing someone else smile.

"I'm having fun, why ask?" I figured he noticed how I was the only one sitting down, only drinking a small glass of water, while everyone else is indulging in a bit of alcohol.

"You just seem, I don't know...a bit, distant I guess."  Lee know looked down when speaking, fiddling with his figures, as if trying to speak as calm as possible so he didn't make me upset or something.
Something about his calm voice made me feel warm inside, I'm not sure what it was about it, but I liked it when he spoke like that.

He wasn't wrong tho, I was distant, I just couldn't figure out why. I didn't want to be this way, I just didn't know how to stop it.

I ran my figures through my hair as I tried to figure out how to respond to Lee know calling me distant, my hair felt like a mixer of dry, oily, and knotted. I hadn't done anything with my hair in weeks, and I hadn't bathed in days, I had no energy to do so. I've been skipping dance practices due to my lack of energy, meetings, and even two fan greetings. 

I looked at Lee know with my fake smile. "Distant? I didn't noticed, my bad." 

After the get to together to celebrate 10 million views on a recent upload, we all called it a night, tho it was way past midnight by this point, Felix and Jeongin had fallen asleep on the couch and Chan and Seungmin carried them to bed, Han had to help a very wasted Changbin to walk to him room as Lee know wanted to keep conversing with me.

To be honest, talking was starting to become boring, not that I didn't enjoy Lee know's company, I just wanted to be alone, which I didn't understand why, I hated being alone, so why did my mind tell me to be alone, I couldn't tell you.

It took about 30 minutes of small talk for Lee know to take his leave. I started to undress so I could put my pajamas on, I walked to my personal bathroom in nothing but my underwear, I stepped on my scale and noticed my weight hasn't changed. 

'61 kilograms' Damn, I actually went up in weight, I've hardly been eating anything at all, how did I go up?
Doesn't matter, I'll just go back on my water diet in hopes I'd lose some weight. I look in the mirror and I can't help but feel disgusted with myself, scars no one knows I have are only visible to me.
Scars which I gave myself, I never realized I had cut myself, till after I had done it, something about hurting myself oddly made me feel better afterwards, something I couldn't explain.

I went back to my room and got dressed for bed, and curled up into my blankets.

Some time during the night I woke up choking myself, I woke up coughing loudly, luckily everyone else was a bit buzzed from the celebration that they were all knocked out hard asleep.

I sat up gasping holding my throat lightly, it stung a little when my fingers touch it. Still coughing I took a sip of my water, which I quickly regret, soon beginning to choke on the water I ran to bathroom throwing up, I continued to choke a little and started to struggle to catch my breath.

I lend on the side of the toilet when I hear my bedroom door open.

"Hyunjin?"

I heard someone call out, yet my mind was making the voice seemed almost distorted in my head. My vision was blurred as I felt something in my stomach come up my throat again, I lend over quickly soon feeling my throat burn.

"Hyunjin!" That same distorted voice called again, I could see a blurred figure standing in the doorway of my bathroom, quickly stumbling to my side, there cool finger tips brushing along side my cheeks as they pull my hair back a bit.

The pain became so real in this moment.

I choke a bit and sip into the toilet as a try to breath, as gross as it sounds, I lend on side of the toilet, letting my head rest on my arm, my eyes feel heavy so I let them close.

That distorted voice ringing in my head, I could only hear muffled words, nothing was clear, nothing at all. The muffled sound of other footsteps I could hear, but only for a short time as the world darken around me.

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Thank you for reading my first chapter of 'Agony' It was a bit short, but I'll make the next chapter longer, and just remember if you ever need help, talk to someone, don't hide it.

Tell me what you thought about this chapter.