𝔄𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔶 (Hwang Hyunjin Centric)

𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔅𝔢𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔶 𝔬𝔣 𝔓𝔞𝔦𝔫

(A/N: Just a quick warning, I think this chapter gets really dark at one point, like darker then the other chapters. So just be aware when reading this chapter, cause if I'm pointing a separate warning thats when you known somethings pretty bad is going to happen in this chapter.)

(Lee Know's POV)

I sat on the couch staring at my phone screen, I wasn't doing anything in particular, but I was keeping myself awake so I'd be able to make sure everything would be fine. I wanted to keep myself up so I could watch over Hyunjin, even tho I couldn't see him since he was locked up in his room, but I could listen for him.

I walked past his room, and placed my ear gently against the door. Just trying to hear anything that he may say to himself, I know he likes to talk to himself when writing or drawing. It's an odd habit of his, but I shouldn't judge him I know something is wrong, and I will get to the bottom of it.

"Why do I feel like nothing..." I hear him mumble on repeat, I knew he was going through some stuff, but this shit seemed way deeper then I thought.

I wanted to help him, but he needs to ask for help, he needs to admit out loud to us, that something is wrong and he needs help, but I'm not so sure he's that type of person, and to be honest, I don't really know how to deal with a situation like this . . . poor Hyunjin.

(Hyunjin's POV)

-----The Next Day-----

I woke up I feel drained as normal, I have no energy what so ever, yet I feel this need to pretend I'm fine in front of everyone else, my sadness only makes them sad, and then there feeling the same way as me, because of me.

I look as my small clock on the bedside table, it's nearly 11:30am, damn I slept in. Getting out of bed I walked over to my dresser and getting dressed, leggings, a pair of shorts, and a long selves shirt will be good for today. I fix up my hair, putting it into a half ponytail, letting the bottom half rest on my shoulders.

 I walked out of my room, and see everyone already up, Felix and Changbin making breakfast. Seems like the others slept in a bit as well, which meant I wouldn't stand out this morning.

"Whats for breakfast?" I put on my best fake smile and lend against the wall of the hallway looking out into the living room and kitchen. Felix looked at me with a slight sad look, he hid it, and smiled.

Damn it Hyunjin, look what your doing to them, even when you pretend your happy it's not good enough. Just act better.

"I'm making pancakes, you want some?" He asked with his bright smile, Changbin turned around and grabbed another place setting for the table. "I thought you would be sleeping longer." Changbin said, while pointing out the fact he only had seven plates on the table.

Seven, not eight. Did they not want me to eat with them? Maybe because me being around them made them feel sad. Fucking, fuck, fuck. Why are you like this Hyunjin?! I should turn down the offer, let them all actual enjoy there meal instead of having me ruin the mood.

"Thanks, but I'm actually not the hungry, I think I'm going to just draw in my door for a bit." I give a small smile and a tiny head tilt. I watched as Felix's smile faded and Lee know sighed.

I walked off to my room, knowing that I caused them sadness by leaving. I couldn't make them happy when I'm there or not. I don't deserve to be here, don't deserve to have people worry about me, I don't deserve a life like mine . . . . I don't deserve a life at all 

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.

.

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I walked over to my window, two floors up, would I die if I jumped? I open the window and looked outside, sitting on the rim I looked at the sky. It's kinda clouded, but overall sunny.

I look down, I see concrete, sold, hard, concrete. Surely I'd die if I landed on it. I stood up, fully contemplating if I should do it or not.

But I can't bring myself to actually do it. Why can't I? I want to be hurt, I feel alive when I feel pain, but I don't think I actually want to die.

Pain is what I crave. 

It's the only thing keeping me from going to completely numb. Thats why I cut myself, why I wake up choking myself, why I almost raped myself . . . almost, I didn't do it yet.

I glace over to my dresser where I keep my vibrator hidden, I pull it out of the top drawer and sit down on my bed looking at it. Looking back at my door, I quickly lock it thinking I wouldn't want anyone to walk in.

I have a few scarfs I could tie myself up and gag myself to keep quiet. I'm not sure what I think would be the outcome of this, but I didn't think this all the way through till I was already done with it.

I tied a scarf in my mouth, and my ankles, only one wrist, cause I needed the my other hand to put the toy in.

Shit, this is crazy. What am I doing?

But I can't help but wonder if this is the pain I crave.

Ignore my better judgment of my situation, I do it anyways. I turned the vibrator all the way I shoved it in hard. I'm sure the others heard me scream, but they thought I was drawing, I tend to scream when I mess up something in a drawing so they wouldn't think anything of it.

I quickly tie up my free wrist and just start to feel this overwhelming pain, I struggled under my own restrains realizing this was a bad idea. But the knots only got tighter with each movement.

This was by far the worst pain I've put myself thought, I actually wanted it to end, unlike when I cut myself, I want this to stop.

Shit I can't move.

I'm so fucking stupid.

I squirm enough to loosen one of the scarfs and I quickly took the vibrator out, I may still be gagged and mostly tied up, but I just lay there, panting, staring at the ceiling.

I untie myself the rest way and sit up, shit my ass hurts now. My whole body hurts now. That was definitely the most stupidest thing my brain has told me to do, I put my leggings and shorts back on, I unlocked my door, I looked over to my opened window. I stood up off my bed and fell straight to the floor.

I could reach my door from my bed so I didn't need to stand up, but damn didn't think my legs would give out on me.

I made a loud thud sound when hitting the ground, surely one of them would come to see if I'm okay, they did care for me, right? I felt oddly relieved when I heard Chan's voice echo through the hall.

"Hyunjin! You okay in there?!"

He sound concerned about me, he cared about me, maybe I was worth something, at least to Chan. It felt nice, I thought I hated the feeling of someone being concerned and or worried about me, but it actually made me feel worth of something.

How did my mind switch it's way of thinking so quickly? Whatever it didn't mattered, I just wanted to lay down, maybe I should make myself walk out to the living room, I've been distancing myself too much these days.

"I'm fine!" I call out, realizing I hadn't answered Chan yet.

I pulled myself up supporting myself with the side of my bed, pain shooting down my legs. I hope I didn't damage anything.

I walked down the hall and seeing Chan's face light up when he see's me, his eyes let up, when I noticed it myself, I was smiling, was this an actual smile? Something about Chan's smile made me feel . . . happy.

Damn, it's been a long time since I've felt this way. Generally Happy.