𝔄𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔶 (Hwang Hyunjin Centric)

𝔗𝔬 𝔟𝔢 𝔊𝔳𝔫𝔢 𝔬𝔯 𝔈𝔬𝔱 𝔗𝔬 𝔟𝔢 𝔊𝔳𝔫𝔢

(A/N: sorry for the long wait in between updates, but it's going to be like that for awhile since I haven't been able to find motivation to write, but I'm trying I promise, please enjoy this chapter)

(Hyunjin's POV)

𝔚hy, why those pity look's, I hate it. I hate it so much. I tried to sit up as Chan keeps me from moving. 

"Do move Hyunjin, you need to rest." Chan's hand was gently pressing down on my shoulder to make me lay back down. Lee know held my right hand and slightly rubbed it with his thumb, the warm touch was nice, but the reason behind him doing so made me not like it.

I pulled my hand away from him gaining a sad look in return from him. "Why?" I heard the raspy voiced out word spoken from Lee know. I looked over to him, tears building at the brim of his eyes.

"Why?" HIs raspy voice spoke again. 

"'Why' what?" I ask him, he glares at me, he went from being sad to suddenly looking like he was gonna kill me, what did I do wrong?

"Why did you do this to yourself?! hu, you had us all fucking worried for you, and for what? You think we didn't notice they way you stopped eating, stopped showing up to dance practice, for fuck sake Hyunjin, you didn't go to fan greetings."

Lee knows sudden out burst made my heart race and my breathing become uneven again. My eyes became watery, I didn't know what to say, he just stared at me, with a mixer of angry and sadness in his eyes.

It was all my fault, he felt this way because of me, my fault Felix was trying to hide his tears, my fault Chan looked like he was ready to kill Lee know for yelling at me. Me, all me.

If I wasn't here then this would have never happened . . . 

It was very....silent.... for a long time.

(Bang Chan's POV)

It wasn't till later till Hyunjin was released from the hospital, I was happy to get to take him back to the dorms, considering the others were very worried about him.

Hyunjin was silent the whole ride home, I thought he'd be more happy to leave the hospital, he should be happy they didn't try to keep there for a few days. I still had no clue what exactly happened to Hyunjin that night, just Felix screaming for me to help.

I looked in the mirror to check on him and Felix, Felix watched Hyunjin, as Hyunjin just looked out the window thinking about gosh knows what, Lee know looked at me then back in the mirror. Once we arrived home Changbin came running out of the house, followed by Jeongin and Seungmin.

"Hyunjiine!!" Jeongin came running up to Hyunjin, quickly wrapping his arms around his waist, rubbing his head on Hyunjin's chest. "I was so worried about you!! What happened?! Are you okay?! Were you hurt badly? Why is your neck all wrapped up??"

"Jeongin, stop bombarding him with you questions, and gave him some space." I walked over to the two seeing nothing my blank emotions on Hyunjin's face, but after Jeongin gave him a glace when I pushed the two apart, Hyunjin quickly placed a smile on his face, it was his normal smile, which made me suddenly noticed, his so called "normal smile." was fake...

How long has he been faking that smile?

I watched Hyunjin slowly walk into the house and he headed straight to his room, I watched as he didn't give any of us a second glace, I wondered if he was truly okay, he told Jeongin he was alright as he walked off, but I couldn't help but fill that he was a lying.

I sat next to Felix and Jeongin on the couch.

"What happened to his throat?" I suddenly heard Changbin ask me. I looked over to him and saw sadness in his eyes, tho I couldn't answer him, none of us know what happened to him, we just found him throwing up uncontrollably in the bathroom, choking, and still trying to vomit even tho his stomach was completely empty, causing him to struggle to breath.

It was a horrible sight, but his throat . . . we had no clue what happened there. A bruise could be seen, and a small amount of blood, it looked like a hand print was left behind, and the blood marks seemed to be left from long nails.

I looked down at the floor lost in thought, till Felix tapping my shoulder knocked me back into reality.

"Hyung? You okay?" His concerned eyes looked at me. "hu, yeah sorry, just thinking. I couldn't figure out a reason as to why his throat was wrapped, maybe he held it to tightly as he threw up."

Changbin looked at me, we both know thats not what happened but it's the only thought we had, we could go ask Hyunjin, but he didn't seem in the speaking mood, problem from what Lee know said back in the hospital.

Why did Lee know have to get like that towards Hyunjin, blaming Hyunjin for his own reasoning for being in the hospital, made him feel guilty for our worry, I could have punched him if it wasn't for Hyunjin's bed being in between us.

Tho it was true, we've noticed his way of slowing eating less and less food, tho maybe he just wanted to lose a little weight, tho he was thin, and weighed less then everyone out of our whole group by this point.

And by him missing fan meeting, he said he wasn't feeling well that days. But yelling at him because of that, blaming him, making him feel guilty, I just couldn't believe him.

(Hyunjin POV)

I laid on my bed, just pondering that thought over and over again in my head. 'Wouldn't things be better for others if I wasn't here?' I wanted to die, but I also didn't want to. I'm so confused of what I want right now, pain was the other thing that made me feel alive, yet I hurts to the point I feel die.

I don't understand whats wrong with me . . . .

I looked at my bedside table, I have some art supplies in a jar, along with some pens and pencil, my eyes lands on a pair of scissors, I sit up and grab the scissors, I hold them firmly in my hand.

Maybe just a little bit of pain would help me feel more alive . . . . just a tiny, very tiny cut . . . no where visible, where? Maybe my forearm? I just need to where long selves shirts for awhile.

Nothing to deep, just small.

I watched as I dragged the blade of the scissors across my arm, I could feel the pain, it hurt, yet, I didn't stop.

It wasn't enough . . . .

I needed more . . . .

I dropped the scissors and walked over to my mirror thinking for a moment. 'Whats one of the worst pains to ever experience?' I look over at my dresser and open the top drawer, I have a vibrator sitting there.

I didn't feel like I wanted to use it, but then again, sexual pain may make me feel the pain I needed....I'm insane, what am I thinking?! Was I just about to rape myself?! The fuck Hyunjin.

I slam my drawer shout and walked back over to bed, quickly noticing the blood running down arm, shit I forgot to wrap this, I've got to cover it before someone notices.

I'm starting to feel dizzy, how much blood am I losing?! I quickly wrap my arm, and lay down, I could have just let myself bleed out and it would have all be over, it almost felt good, but . . . . I don't want it . . . . . I really don't, but things would be so much better for everyone else.

I should just sacrifice myself for the happiness of others?

Sacrifice . . . what a beautiful word in my head.