𝔄𝔤𝔬𝔫𝔶 (Hwang Hyunjin Centric)

𝔒𝔲𝔱𝔠𝔞𝔰𝔱

(Hyunjin's POV)

ℑ left my room as Lee know just sat on my bed, looking defended as I looked back to steal one glace at him. I see Felix playing some video game with Han, as Jeongin and Seungmin where reading a book together in the bay-window, Chan was starting dinner and Changbin was watching Felix and Han play there game waiting for a turn.

Everyone was doing something,
I couldn't join Jeongin and Seungmin, they looked like they were having a moment.
I couldn't join Felix and Han, cause Changbin was already waiting for a turn.
I couldn't join Chan, I was a horrible cook and would ruin dinner or catch the house on fire.
I couldn't go back to Lee know, cause he'd break my wall downs and cause me to lose myself if I were to share to him whats wrong.

Cause how could I tell him that so called "simple" question, of "whats wrong" when I've been asking myself that same question for over two years now . . . "Whats wrong with me..."

How can I stand in a room, full of my friends, who I share a lot of common interest with, who I've lived with for years now, yet . . . I fill like an outcast out of us.

Maybe I really should leave.

But not die.

But not stay.

I should leave Stray kids.

If I leave Stray kids then I won't be an outcast amongst them, I could become something without them . . . No . . . I couldn't . . . . I'm nothing without them. How could I be so stupid, thinking I could be something without them, I'm so confused as to what I need.

I let my thoughts take over my head I feel slightly dizzy from the spinning thoughts. I walk over to a chair and see Jeongin and Seungmin holding hands, Changbin nuzzling the side of Felix's head, making Felix smile his sunshine bright of a smile, I watch Lee know walk out of my room and sit close to Han, his hand placing gently on his thigh.

They . . . all . . have different small secret relationship's . . . I don't have anyone . . .

Is that my problem? I don't have love? But who would want me, an outcast, a broken piece of nothing. I would just be a burden to someone in a relationship, no one wants me.

"Hyunjinnie~" I hear Chan call, he smiles and waves his hand signing for me to come over to him. I stand up slightly losing my balance from getting up to quickly, I made it seem like it didn't happen as to not worry Chan.

I walk closer to Chan and he pulls my shoulders so that I'm standing in front of him facing the counter. He takes one hand grabbing mine and placing a spoon in it.

"It's time you learn how to cook, or bake, or something in the kitchen." He chuckles and smiles. I fake all my happiness to be able to see that generally happy smile from others, cause that smile, that happiness from others is the one thing the makes me, even for a split second happy myself to where my smile isn't fake.

He takes my hand and starts to sour the mixture in the bowl sat in front of us, making sure it's getting mixed well, I haven't the slightest clue on what his having me make, but it's here, and now I just got to make sure I don't fuck it up.

I'm the one person in these dorms thats can't cook for there life. But Chan's with me, I can do this with him right next to me, holding the spoon in my hand, and holding the bowl still with his other hand, soon taking my free hand and placing it on the side of the bowl holding his other hand now on top of mine.

"Good, now stay like that, I'ma finish up dinner, while you sour that." He smile, then let go of my hands. "Wait what, oh no no no, I'll mess it up." I say frantically, he . . . he laughs. "Why are you laughing?" He just looks at me with this look of amusement on his face. "Hyunjinnie, it's cake mix, you can't mess it up if your just souring it. You're such a dork."

He chuckles under his breath walking to the other side of the kitchen. Well shit, now what. Am I just suppose to sour this thing? For how long? Can I over sour it?

Ahhh fuck Hyunjin, just listen to Chan, don't let those bad thoughts get to you, just mix it, calmly.

Wow, your so pathetic, having to tell yourself to sour something right, my goodness Hyunjin. If your so afraid of messing it up, which lets be honest you probably will. Just walk away from it, don't even bother, cause why bother with something if it's pointless?

But it's not pointless, Chan was smiling and laughing and-

Oh please like that matters, he's just pretending.

No his not, Chan doesn't do things like that, he wouldn't.

Oh but he see, since your so fucking depressing to be around he has to pretend his happy just be around you.

Why are you so mean to me?

Cause, I'm your inner demon, the worst part of you, but really, am I all that bad, I'm just telling you things you already believe yourself, but making it more none to you. So just listen to me, drop that spoon, grab your shoes, and just walk out of here and go somewhere else, somewhere you can't fuck anything up.

And why listen to you? Your just some voice in my head.

I'm the only one who gets you, understands you, I'm the only one who truly cares about you.

Really?

Yes, now go . . .

And in that moment, I'm not sure why, but I listen. I drop the spoon Chan once held in my hand, the sound of it hitting the ground quickly grabbed his attentions, the other being to loud to notice, but by time Chan had picked up the spoon I was already out the door, but I had no clue as to where I was going.

This voice in my head was driving me crazy, but I couldn't help but to listen to it.

So here I am, walking in the middle of the cold and rainy sheets of Seoul, with no real place in mind of where to go, I just kept walking.