An Intangible Pattern

A tall pyre to burn on

"Are you sure you don't want a lift?"
"Honestly Noah, there's no point, my house is just over there. I'll be home before you start the car"
Ben adjusted his coat against the chill and Saoirse's ears twitched as a fox barked in the distance.
"Can you send me a message to let me know you got home safe then?"
Ben snorted and hugged him goodnight, "If it will make you feel better. It was good to see you. Drive safe, ok?"
"Ok... it was good to see you too. Night Ben."
Ben smiled and waved goodnight as he turned and walked down the gravel drive. Noah watched him go until he was out of sight. He dropped his laceless shoes to the ground and slipped his bare feet into them, then rounded the car and eased into the driver's seat.
Graeme gave him an appraising look from the passenger seat. Noah tried to ignore him, turning the key in the ignition and immediately stalled the car. He tried again and this time the engine hummed to life.
"So?" Grunted Graeme.
"So what?" Noah answered.
"So, have you found a solution to your problem with Miss Navita?" he asked, implying that they had spent the entire evening in the same room without incident.
Noah glanced sideways at him.
"No," he said seriously, and turned the car out of the drive. Graeme prudently refrained from asking more questions though the atmosphere in the car was heavy and uncomfortable.
As they made the short journey home Noah said nothing, reflecting on the events of the day.
I can't ask her to sleep with me every time there's a family event. I know it was her suggestion this time, but it's clear she only agreed because it was preferable to being raped in front of the children.
His groin stirred at the thought of her dark, imploring eyes. He clenched his jaw and cursed the involuntary reaction, however a seductive thought slipped through his defenses.
But it was so much easier to give in.
It was easier, when it was all over they were able to function like normal human beings again and do normal things. The only near slip was when Leo threw the cup at Alex and he was seized by the overwhelming urge to wring his neck. It appalled him to recall how close he had come to harming a child.
I cannot allow myself to become a slave to my worst impulses.
And even as his rational mind thought this, deep inside, the ecstacy of letting go beckoned: as though the taller he built his pyre, the longer his shadow grew.
Noone ever talked about this side of being an alpha, not out loud. About the violent joy of conquest and the seduction of rage. It sickened him that such a pocket of darkness should reside in his own soul. Maybe he was the only one? No, he couldn't be. There were obituaries filled with the names of alphas gone mad with despair and omegas who paid the ultimate price for the sanity of the rest. There could be no option for him but to fight and win.
These are my impulses and they are my responsibility. She cannot fix it for me...no matter how much I want her to.
And he did want her. He knew it in every cell of his being the second she kissed him. It hurt so badly, so fucking badly, to think how things could have been if they had just been betas. If they could have just had a conversation, a chance to build trust and a real foundation for a relationship, he'd probably have fallen for her without all this. Maybe she could have fallen for him too... but not now. How could he ever hope to erase the memory of what he'd done to her. How could she look at him with anything but fear?
Two days. That's all I can stand. Two days and I will have what I deserve.
They arrived back at the cottage and Noah wished Graeme goodnight before the old man could draw him into conversation. He just wanted to be alone.
Heading straight to his room, he collapsed onto his bed and stared sightlessly at the ceiling.
I'm an idiot. It's biochemistry, none of this is real. I can't want her, I barely even know her?
And yet, in torturous detail he recalled their last kiss. With a single impulsive gesture he'd revealed his hand to her. The uncomfortable sense of vulnerability hung over him and he searched his memory for some shred of hope that she might feel something for him too. Even if it was only forgiveness.