vents.

#

okay so yeah i knew i had no friends but like

today really enforced that

and it sucks dude

i didnt get jack shit

okay, i dont need crap for some shit holiday, i really dont care, but the fact that everyone else had stuff for all of their friends fucking sucks

not one candy

not one 'happy v day!'

nothing

all i got was one little snickers from my spanish teacher, and i am grateful, she's super nice, def a fav

but still

not one friend

and dont even get me started on boyfriends*

i sit alone at lunch

i dont talk to anyone in the halls

i dont talk to anyone in class unless forced to, and even then its so awkward and minimal

it fucking sucks

partially thanks to my mom, i cant be myself and express myself properly, therefore im in a constant state of being uncomfortable and wanting to shut down

i cant even text anyone, every move i fucking make is monitored

oh you thought no one was watching me at lunch time?

nope.

my mom got a fucking cafeteria job.

she has never worked with food before.

she has never shown interest in being a cafe worker.

until we fucking moved down here to hell.

im not lying when i say there are days where i genuinely want to kill myself, i want out of here, i dont want to live

ive wasted all my damn time and now im scraping for it, begging for it to come back

im gonna be a fucking junior in highschool.

i thought i was still in eigth fucking grade, where the fuck did that time go

all in a whirl of suppression and breaking down

i cant do this anymore. i really cant. im not ready. i need a guide.

* ive had one. 1. "relationship" since we moved. it was two years ago now. [... i just about said one year ago, where did that time fucking go.] it lasted maybe two weeks, at most. thanks mom.

i have so many crushes on girls, but im too fucking awkward and ugly to even talk to them

i wish i was a boy

i fucking wish i was a boy.