vents.

30 already, oi

needless to say i'm losing it

assignments piling up, exams approaching quick, tests needing made up

i'm not ready, i can't do this, i'm so scared

i can't handle the pressure anymore

my "extraordinary" reading skills and "fantastic" math skills did not get me as far as i was told they would

my future is so uncertain

idk what job i want

no talents are obvious, i'm not super strong in one field- i'm weak in them all

swim is coming up too, this past school year was the worst for my ed, and still is

if i havent lost weight, i have satan to thank, yet that doesnt mean my muscles are still good enough

i can barely stand, cant stand for too long, then i get weak and sore, as if im working out

i cant even lift ten pounds with one arm

im so screwed, my mom says "not everyone is athletic" yet apparently she can't see that i'm terribly clearly not athletic

i'm so scared

time is going to fast- what do you mean i'll be 16?? what do you mean my sis is already 21???

it's bad, the dissociation is getting worse, i can't remember shit, time is just nonexistent, we have to mask, it's so so bad

i want help, i desperately want help, but there's no way in hell i can tell my parents that their child is 

anxiety ridden, depressed 

suffering from d.i.d and an ed 

and is STILL transgender,, despite popular belief ***(cont down below)

i can't

and it sucks

i want help

i really want help

i NEED help

all i can do anymore is cry, and sometimes i can't even do that

i've grown so disappointed with myself

i've started skipping classes, smoking weed again

it was getting better, or at least manageable

what happened

*** it's painfully obvious i'm trans too, maybe not on here since yall dont see me everyday, but seriously, the way i dress, act- and i dont do things bc i think they'll make me "more like a boy" ive always been like this, as i've probs mentioned before, i was questioning my gender and wanting to be a boy as early as 4 years old dude, those memories are surprisingly intact