The older brothers best friend

Chapter 20 - Finneas

Finneas

I've never seen myself as a good person. And I never see myself as the guy that deserves Linny. When I started to realize that I was feeling more for her I panicked. I thought about 1000 ways I could hurt her. I'm not sure if I'll ever get over it. Every time I look at her all I see is her without me. What she could be and should be.

I know my temper is bad. And I don't mean for it to happen. It just does. Like I wanna scream every single mean thing to the person that crossed over the line. Punish them, because they hurt me. It's so messed up. My mom always says to me that I should go and talk to someone. But I only want to talk to her. She's the only one that truly understands me. And ever since she got more sick and tired. She doesn't have the energy to listen to me. I honestly I don't really feel like talking to her anyway. And making her worry about my life and dramatic stuff that'll only make her more worried about me.

Honestly the thought about going to college and leaving her is tough. But a part of me thinks that she'll never even see me graduate. I had to force myself to come to New York. When I was leaving to go and get Linny and the rest I watched her sleeping in her bed. She looked peaceful, almost as she was dead already. I cried the whole way to Linny house. I think Josh saw my swollen eyes and redness in them. He patted me on my back and tried to not make a scene. Which I did not want too. I didn't want to ruin Linny's trip.

6 months ago

- Mom, I'm leaving for school.
I took my bag and went into the living room to give mom a kiss on her cheek.
- Alright darling. Please remember to buy groceries today!
- Yeah of course.
She smiled only the way mom does. And waved.
- Bye my darling. Drive safe.

I closed the front door and went to my car. When I got to school Josh stood there watching me park. He smiled brightly and went up to hug me.
- Hi bro! Are you good? How's Mary?
I looked at him and he still smiled.
- Good. She's good too.
I lied. Mom got news from the doctor yesterday and they said that they were cutting down on her meds. She didn't need them anymore, they said. Then the doctor looked at me like I was supposed to know what he meant. Which I did.
- Good.
Josh laid his arm around me and we walked into school.

I was Linny from afar talking to the friends. She had changed her hair. It was more blond and she had styled it. She looked more grown up. My head turned when I heard Jessie call my name behind me.
- Hi baby!
She kissed me and I hugged her. She smelled really good today. I wouldn't say me and Jessie were dating but she came over time to time to have sex. She was good company too. She knew about my mom and she used to stay for dinner and make my mom feel better. Jessie's a nice girl and I like her. She was moving though. To California I'm 2 weeks. Which made it impossible for me to really ask her out.
- Hey Jess.
She smiled and tossed her hair to the side.
- We on for later?
I nodded, even though I had totally forgotten what she was talking about.
- Great, now let's go. You can walk me to class right?
She took my hand. I turned around to see Linny. She was staring at me and as she saw me she quickly turned around and walked away with her friends.

Later after school Jessie came with me and we were in my room. She started kissing me and I kissed her back. I laid her gently down against the bed and took her shirt off.
- You're so hot.
I said and she smiled under our kiss.
- I know.
I smiled and threw her shirt on the floor and took off my shirt as well and kissed her neck. She tossed her legs around me. I took her hand and held them over her head. Then my mind played a trick on me. I it was Linny in the bed with me moaning and kissing my neck. I quickly let go of Jessie and sat up breathing hard. Jessie sat behind me and stroke her hands on my arms.
- What happened?
She asked in a calm voice. I shook my head and turned to her and kissed her.
- Nothing.
We laid back down and continued like nothing happened. Because nothing happened.

Jessie left a while after. I waved her off by the front door and felt bad. I liked Jessie and this stupid mind trick made me feel like I've cheated, but we weren't a couple. And I knew for a fact that Jessie was sleeping with other guys. I told her I did to make her feel less bad. She told me that if I didn't want to she'd stop seeing others. But I told her I saw others too. I guess it was because a part of me didn't want a serious relationship with her.

I went back inside and checked on my mom who laid on the couch. She was breathing heavily and I saw her hand shake. I couldn't look at her sometimes. But a part of me looked at her because I knew she wouldn't always be here with me. I took photographs with my eyes to keep for years to come. Without her.

The next day in school Josh wasn't there. He had gotten sick. But I didn't mind. I liked being alone sometimes, even though I loved Josh and having him by my side helped a lot through my rough days. But today I felt nothing at all. I walked through the corridors and it felt like my legs were floating. I didn't see people, only smudging images of people walking past me.

In class I hardly listened, I only looked at the teacher but still I didn't see her. My mind was blank. I felt like I was going to throw up the entire day. At lunch I saw Linny walked past me. She had a yellow hoodie on and covered her hair with her hood. I turned around and called her name. She looked back and smiled.
- Hi Finn. How's it going?
I looked at her. And suddenly the image of us in bed struck me. She looked confused because I stared at her and didn't answer her.
- Uh, yeah I'm good.
She tilted her head.
- Is Mary okay?
I nodded. She didn't believe me. I saw it on her face.
- Mind if I come over later? I made a pie. I thought Mary would like it.
- Yeah, sure. You want to meet after school, and I'll drive us both?
- Yeah.
She said short, still searching my face for anything that I was really feeling.
- Finnegan! My man!
I heard Carl coming up behind me. He hugged me from behind and shook me. Linny started to walk away.
- I'll see you later Linn!
- Yeah!
Then she left.
- So you coming to football practice later?
Carl asked standing I front of me now.
- Uh, no. I have to help Josh's little sister with something.
He nodded.
- Coach won't be happy, you've missed like 3 practices by now.
I looked down. I hadn't told anyone on my team that my mom was sick.
- Yeah I know. I'll come next time.
I lied. Knowing that I would not come. And I would probably quit football.
- Cool. Alright man see you later!
He hugged me and patted me on my back. I stood there, in the middle of the cafeteria. Feeling the walls come closer, making me suffocate. I had to get out of here.

After school I waited for Linny by the parking lot. When she came out she hanged her bag on her shoulder at crossed her arms. I had a feeling something had happened.
- Hey, what's up?
I asked.
- It's nothing. Just this guy, he keeps flirting with me and won't leave me alone.
She didn't look at me when she said it.
- You want me to talk to him?
She shook her head.
- No! Definitely not! Finn, I have it under control.
- Alright.
I didn't ask any further questions. I just opened her door and held my hand above her so she wont hit her head.

When we stopped by her house she quickly ran inside and got the pie.
- Got it! Your mom likes apple pie, right?
She smiled.
- She loves apple pie.
She chuckled.
- Great. I wasn't sure.
I looked at her and felt an urge to place my hand on her thigh. She looked out the window and her hair flew in the wind. Her beautiful golden blond hair. And I suddenly felt her to be irresistible.

When we got home we got out and she immediately saw the lawn that was full of weed.
- Do you need any help with that?
She sounded calm, like she didn't wanna offend me.
- No it's alright.
She nodded and walked up to the front door. I opened it. We hung our jackets in the mudroom.
- Mom! It's Linny! She baked you a pie.
I didn't get a response. I continued to call her but no one answered. Then I freaked out and ran towards her room. I slammed it open and she wasn't there. Linny ran up to me.
- What's going on?
I didn't answer, I just walked past her and ran around the house to look for her.

I opened the back door out to the garden and there she sat. With her sunglasses on, sitting on a chair in the sun. Feet up on another chair. Just her relaxing.
- Mom! I looked everywhere for you!
She looked at me.
- Sorry Darling, I closed the door because I didn't  want the cold air to get inside. I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry you. Darling, come here.
I didn't realize it myself but I was crying. I touched my cheeks and felt tears dropping down. I went up to her and hugged her hard. She patted me on my head and I couldn't keep it in anymore. Everything was just too much. I felt every fear and every pain explode inside of me, in my mom's arms. I cried, I cried so much. How could I ever live without her?