A F F E C T I O N

t h i r t e e n

Christian sleeps in his bed obliviously. The covers clutched to his chest like a small boy as I arrange my skirt around my hips.

My shirt is mysteriously ripped, and I forgo it for my leather jacket. The mirror attached to the dresser in the corner portrays a blank face with smudged eye makeup and a broken heart. A purple-pink spot upon a collarbone. Messed up hair and a placid frown.

I can hear movements on the second floor, parents probably, and quickly pick up my shoes and slink out into the hallway; I understand, now, why they call it the walk of shame.

My hand is meer inches away from the doorknob when a minor crash sounds from behind me. I turn, and a little girl stands with furrowed eyebrows and a Barbie at her feet. Her hair is almost as mussed as mine.

"Hi," I whisper, and open the door.

It's too bright outside, and the shoes that looked nice yesterday are now incredibly painful on my heels and my arches and my toes and everywhere else.

Idiot. Stupid idiot. A one night stand. God. Shit. Could I be anymore of a cliche?

"Caro." Oh. Awesome. Its you. Lucky me. "Get in the car."

Your black car with a purring engine crawls beside me. The sight, you, leaning across the centre console, makes me want to cry. My tear ducts tingle with uncertainty.

I stop and turn to you, in all my shameful glory. You purse your lips. "You live miles away, come on."

"I don't want a ride from you."

You just stare at me. You're wearing jogging pants and a hoodie; you must have gone home last night. "Stop being difficult."

"Stop..." What? Everything? Annabel? Breathing?

You just watch me, and I relent because my feet hurt. I climb into the passenger seat and fold my arms across my chest, balling up yesterday's t-shirt in my lap.

"Are you okay?" You ask with your eyes on the road. I don't reply. "I wish you wouldn't do this."

"What?"

"Put yourself... in danger. Do stupid shit. How am I supposed to know if you got home safely?"

"You're not." I say hotly.

"Oh, stop it. I know what you're doing. I know you, Carolina."

"What am I doing?" I'm snarling, I feel like a panther. Or a baboon.

"Trying to make me jealous!" You're all hot and bothered too. The sight of your hands clenching the steering wheel makes me laugh for some unknown reason.

I snicker, and you turn to stare at me.

"Stop."

"What?"

You sigh. Shake your head. Signal right for my street.

You pull into my driveway and jerk up the E-brake. We sit in silence as a newspaper is hurled onto the front steps.

"I miss you." I say, because it seems safe and also because my heart hurts.

You pull you hand down your face, covering your eyes then your mouth. You sigh. "I can't."

"But why?"

"Because, I don't know."

"Why her?"

Your eyes are closed and one of your hand sun in your lap. I reach out to touch it, and you let me link my fingers with yours.

"Caro." Your voice is soft. "Please stop."

"Why?" I whisper. You're so close. So vulnerable. So tempting.

You turn like your going to say something but I guess I leaned close to you at some point because your breath is on my mouth and then we're kissing. It's a surprised kiss. You inhale sharply, then it's a regretful kiss and my fingers are entwined in your hair before you can pull away.

Then you do. "No."

My eyes are slits to block the tears. "No, yourself. Stop following me."

Then I walk out of the car and blessedly wait until the door is closed behind me before the shoulder wrenching sobs take over my body.

Maya stumbles down the stairs blearily, and meets me on the foyer rug. She catches me before I fall and we stand swaying together.

"It's okay." She whispers, raspy and quiet.

But it's not.

I'm insane. For you. From you.

***

insane ---- phase two/insanity??? yeah? haha???