She's a saint, not a sinner.

Who even are you?

'You know your way around' Matt mutters, avoiding eye-contact at all cost, tossing my bags in the hallway before disappearing to his living-room.

'Lovely' I mumble, letting out a long, heartfelt sigh. The noise of sighs could be the soundtrack of my life. I really want to give Brian a call. I miss him, this dumb idiot. Suddenly 'I hate everything About you' by Three Days Grace starts blasting through the house. Real mature, I think to myself, rolling my eyes.

The lyrics I hate everything about you come on the second I step into the doorframe of the living-room. Matt shoots me a dirty look from the other side of the room, only turning up the volume.

'Can we not do this? Let's talk' I shout, throwing my arms in the air for dramatic effect. He simply ignores me. I march over to the stereo and switch it off. Silence. Okay, this is actually worse.

'I'm sorry. I really am. If I could take back what I did to you, what we - did, I would.' I mean every word. 'But you have to be honest, I'm not really who you're looking for anyway' I trail off.

'Do not tell me what I'm thinking or what's best for me' he says through gritted teeth.

'Come on, the sex was awful' I blurt out, there's another moment of dreaded silence before we burst out laughing.

'So awful' he says through fits of laughter.

'And it bugs me, because how can it be that two people attracted to each other could be so incompatible in bed?' he suddenly turns serious.

'I think we need a do-over' he mumbles. This conversation feels like a car-crash. Within split seconds, everything has spun out of control.

'Matt, please. We've been over this' I just want to go to bed alone. But before, finally wash the smell of the tour bus off me. I'm tired of talking, of surprises, ... I want Brian to hold me. To rock me back and forth, to press me so close I can feel him get excited under me.

'You're thinking of him' Matt interrupts my thoughts and my cheeks flush a bright red.

'I'm really trying to get over it. But you're a hard one to forget' he says quietly.

The situation is bittersweet. My heart would shatter into a million pieces if Brian left me. I don't think I would ever be the same again.

'You know they really loved each other' he continues, my stomach turning knowing full well he is referring to Brian and his current wife, Katie.

'High-school sweethearts. She was the popular cheerleader who went out with the weird band kid.'

I am contemplating to interrupt him, but my curiosity gets the better of me.

'If you want me to continue -' he wanders over to the fridge.

'I guess we will need these' he pulls out two bottles of beer.

My mind goes back to another evening of the two of us drinking on the living-room floor. I close my eyes to drown out the visuals.

'If this is a ploy to get me to seep with you again, it won't work' I warn him as I accept his beer.

'It's not' he says curtly, plopping down on the couch.

I could still stop this, not hear the fairytale romance of the love of my life and another woman. But it's like I'm addicted to the pain, the disappointment. It cuts like a knife, yet I never feel more alive than in these moments. I'm sick. I don't know how else to explain it.

'They almost had a kid together' his words are sharp like a blade, grazing my skin before stabbing me and I can actually physically feel pain.

'You should take a sip' he says before taking a sip himself, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.