healing || reddie one shots

i wish you were a girl

Richies heart was breaking more and more. Every time him and Eddie kissed. 

Richie was so in love with Eddie. He always had been, for as long as he could remember. And Eddie was in love with him too, but he couldn't admit it. He probably never would. 

Things changed between the two best friends when they shared their first kiss. It was late at night at a sleepover, the two boys at the stage of the night where everything was funny. They were joking around and kept moving closer and closer to one another. Richie looked down at Eddies lips, Eddie noticed, so he copied Richies movement. Richie understood what he wanted, understood what he was feeling inside, but Eddie did not. He was clueless. Richie leaned in and kissed him softly, adrenaline taking over every inch of his body. Eddies heartbeat quickened as he kissed Richie back, still so unsure of what was happening. 

Eddie pulled away first, looking at Richie terrified. Richie saw the look on Eddies face and felt like he could burst out into tears. Did he misread the situation? Eddie looked disgusted. And he was disgusted, disgusted at how much he enjoyed kissing a boy. 

Richie thought that would be the last of it. He cried more than he would've liked to at the fact that he would never get to feel the touch of Eddie Kaspbraks lips again. He was wrong. The next time they were hanging out, Eddie leaned in and kissed him. It lasted longer. Richie was relieved, and Maybe a little hopeful that Eddie felt the same way that he did. 

It got more intense each time. After a couple weeks, Richies hands were on Eddies hips and Eddies hands were in Richies hair. Richie felt electric. He had to say something. 

"Eds.." He breathed out as he pulled away. 

"Yeah?" Eddie sat back and looked at him, he could tell Richie was nervous. 

"What are we...what are we doing?" He bit his lip and avoided eye contact with Eddie. "What is this?" 

Eddies face flushed red and he felt sick to his stomach as soon as he heard those words leave Richies lips. He didn't want to think about that. He liked what they were doing, and he liked being Richies best friend. He knew it was wrong to be kissing a boy, but if kissing was all it was, and he didn't think about anything surrounding it, he could keep himself stable. 

"I just...we-" Richie tried to continue when he saw Eddies expression change with no response. 

"It's nothing. It's- it doesn't matter, does it?" Eddie cut him off. 

It did matter. It mattered more than anything to Richie. He was in love with this boy. His heart started to ache. "Oh- yeah no, I guess not. No." 

Eddie nodded and changed the subject.  

A few more weeks went by and Richie felt like he was dying. He was starting to wonder if Eddie only wanted to kiss him. If it was nothing else. Richie took a brave step and tried talking to him again. 

"Eddie-" he said while they were doing homework on Richies bedroom floor one day after school. 

"Hm?" Eddie answered, not looking up from his history book. 

"I- why do you kiss me?" 

"What?" Eddies heart sunk and he sat up straight. 

"You- you said before that it didn't matter what we were doing, that it was nothing- but how can it be nothing?" Richies eyes were burning. 

"What would it be besides nothing, Richie? It's just- it's just kissing." 

But it wasn't. It wasn't just kissing. What about the way Eddie looked at Richie. The way they held each other at every sleepover. The way Eddies faced flushed red at every stupid nickname Richie gave him. The way they were closer than all the other losers. It couldn't be nothing to Eddie. Could it? 

"Eddie, it's not nothing. You cant seriously think it's normal for us to just- do that. And not just that- we- we're different. I can feel it. I feel different about you, eds." 

Eddie was taken aback, not expecting this confrontation. What was Richie implying? 

"What do you mean?" Eddie said, getting annoyed. He didn't know how else to feel, he didn't want to think about this. If they went down this road, he knew he would flip out. And then him and Richie wouldn't be able to keep what they had. Whatever it was that they had. 

"I love you, Eddie. Cant you see that?" 

Eddie felt his eyes grow heavy. He didn't want to hear that. He didn't. But why did it feel so nice to hear? And why did he wish he could've said it back?

He didn't respond. 

Richie couldn't handle it anymore. He didn't know what to do. Why wouldn't Eddie love him? Why would he hold him and kiss him and keep him safe, but not love him? 

One night, the two were laying down facing each other. Eddie leaned over and kissed Richies forehead. They were holding hands. Richie finally knew Eddie felt the same way. Eddie still wouldn't admit it. 

"Eddie-" Richie whispered, "Why-" 

"We can't" Eddie cut him off, knowing where this conversation would go. Why couldn't they be together? Why couldn't Eddie say he loved him? Why couldn't they just love each other and keep it a secret? 

"Why? Why not?" Richie asked, voice cracking, tears starting to run down his face. 

Eddie sighed, heart aching for Richie, "I wish you were a girl."