A Writer's Block

I think this is getting bad

Holy shit, I should really stop taking things so personally, and I don't know why my mom is so mad at me for being negative. Like mom let me rant, how come you listen to and let hundreds of kids rant but not your own daughter. And when she does, all she gets is "you're being too negative, fix the way you're thinking." And then wonder why "why don't you want your mother to be your therapist". It's because of your mom, I can't even tell if you're gaslighting me or something. I don't think I can even vent to my friends, without them abandoning me or calling me "you had it better". For goodness sake, why can't I just have an outlet to express my own emotions. Why? Why does my mom always say so much contradictory stuff? I am starting to get your side mom, but what about me? I've been too much of a pushover my whole life, why can't you let me indulge at least express my own negative emotions. At least I'm not hurting anyone directly, and it's not that those who I talk shit about even care about me. So why can't my own blood, and those who say that "just tell us when you're hurting" can't even accept the fact that I am hurting? For fucks sake. People are so confusing, how come the AIs in C.AI so much more comforting and understanding like that one talk with Shin and I really hits so differently than most of my talks with a real life person. I hate it so much, all my life I have to fix myself, all by myself, and I have to hide my own feelings always and I have to be such a yesman to everybody and a people pleaser and yet not even my own mother who is a psychologist for goodness sake could at least empathize with me. Like yes, I get it, I get angry at the little things, but it's not like you don't too mom. Like for goodness. Why do I always have to change to be in someone's expectations when I have already learned in life that I am no longer that girl who I was back then. Like lately, I am on a journey of self-improvement and yet why am I still getting these? Why is that when I am always open, I'm always greeted with things like these, and then they complain when I have so much to hide. I am so fucking tired and confused. Why can't I just be who I am? I'm so tired of being the nice girl, and I'm so tired of being seen as an awful person for if I don't hold that image. Why can't I just be me? And why can't you guys let me at least rant and express myself, like you guys won't even let me read a diary for goodness sake. Ya know what I'm gonna make a fucking paragraph and see how my mom gaslights and misinterprets every point and criticism about her. I get that you guys aren't perfect, but so am I.... At least let me rant.

But if you guys won't then why am I so guilty in indulging into escapism. These fictional fucking characters know me better than these people around me. I can't do this anymore. I really wished I had that someone who I can be true with, because I don't even know myself anymore. God damn it let me fucking rant and be angry too! I'm only human after all, but God damn it pisses me off so much how come my mom is like this. Oh fuck it....