Lights Are Missing (PART 1)

15.

The guys dropped me off at my house, and by that I mean they walked past my house and I said goodbye to them as I set my bike off to the side and went inside completely defeated and at a loss for words.

The day started decently, sitting in bed contemplating everything that was to come, then I went out and had a decent time with the guys but that was quickly cut short when Yeonjun had an explosive episode or something like that and then we all went home in an upset frenzy.

"Beomgyu, you're back early." Hiah was sitting on the couch in the living room watching the television. The house, other than the sound of the television, was eerily quiet. I hated silence more and more those days.

Hiah and I had a complicated relationship. The bickering between us never really died down from being young, but whenever something was wrong, we knew almost immediately. We also helped each other when things were genuinely bothering us.

My clothes were still wet, the rain outside had died down to a sprinkle, but even if the sun was shining as bright as it was this morning, my clothes still would've needed to dry over a few days.

"Is something wrong?" Her tone changed a bit as she sat up more, as if she was inviting me over to sit with her. With all my heart, I nodded and stumbled forward to sit with her.

As I sat myself down next to her, my head felt heavy as it dropped forward. My forearms rested on my knees as my head hung lower than ever before. My hair was still damp.

"So, what happened?" She leaned forward a bit to see my face up close.

I didn't know where to start. It's not like I could tell her about the weird relationship I had with Yeonjun, right? I mean, I didn't know what Hiah thought of being gay. But was I even gay?

"We went to the mall. I got overwhelmed. I ran off. Taehyun talked to me. Yeonjun took it the wrong way and started blaming me. Then they left. I found them after I'd begun my way home."

"Why did he take it the wrong way? Blaming you for what?"

All I did was shrug as I felt the tears coming back for no reason. I cried enough for the next month. I didn't need any more tears to fall.

"He said I was trying to turn everyone against each other. Taehyun was talking to me about how he'd been doing since I know," I sighed, "he's depressed and all that and I'm the only one who knows. I'm the only one who knows about all their separate issues and I guess when I talk to them in private he gets all mad because he thinks I'm trying to turn them against each other." It was all kind of spilling out of me quicker than I was hoping for.

I couldn't process what I was saying, so how could she?

"It sounds like he's just insecure."

"He is!" I shouted as I finally sat up and quickly began to wipe the tears from my eyes as they formed in larger waves. I knew things were getting bad. I'd never been this way. Yeonjun was right though. Knowing these guys could make me this sad means I know they could make me just that much happier.

But I didn't see him, or any of them, there to hug me when I was sad.

Just then, Hiah wrapped her arms around me and pulled me in tightly against her. A hug from a sibling with a relationship like that is just so weird. But she only ever hugged me when important life events happened. When our dad died, the way she held me in her arms, it will never slip my mind.

It made me wonder where our mom was, but I wasn't going to ask. I just kept trying to gently wipe away any tears falling from my eyes as I let my sister hold me.

"You're soaked."

"I know." My lip was quivering a bit. I bit it to help myself calm down slightly. Why was I getting so worked up over this? They were just some friends. My best friends, sure, but Yeonjun was just being salty because he was jealous that the guys liked me and I was giving them attention but not him. That had to be it.