Lights Are Missing (PART 1)

20.

The following morning when I woke up, I realized that it was already mid afternoon. I knew because the soft light of the morning sun was now a much brighter, harsh, midday light. My eyes were sore and wanted nothing more than to stay shut. My pillow was mostly dry by then. My stomach growled.

I turned my head over to look at my open door and out at the wall on the other side of the hall. A picture of me was plastered up on that wall.

I stared at the picture on the wall, still laying uncomfortably in my bed. I never took the time to actually look at the pictures on the wall. I was too consumed in other things to care to stop and stare. I wondered if my mother or sister looked up at them ever. Why were they even there?

The picture was of the old me. Me when I was happy being alone and happy with my parents' love. The me I was in my dreams. Unbothered and happy when school was still less important than playing with Hiah even though she just wanted me to leave her alone.

The photo was just me, sitting on a rock beside a lake. I couldn't even tell you the lake's name or where it was, or why I was even there, all I remember was what was behind the camera, and what led up to it. And what happened after.

My parents, mother and father, and Hiah were behind that camera. That picture was taken a week after our dog, Pipi, died. That was when I first felt pure sadness, that's when I first felt truly alone. Little 7 year old me didn't know how to handle death like that. I cried a lot that week.

My sister and parents tried everything in their power to make me smile for a picture, but I was so saddened by the whole thing that I couldn't even crack a simple smile.

But then my dad made a joke, a stupid thing that just made me smile for a split second long enough for them to get a picture. I looked so cute when I was smiling as a kid. And to think I was insecure about my smile.

We went on the trip to this lake for our final celebration with our father before he went to visit his parents. He left the following day the picture was taken.

My biggest regret was keeping my dad from seeing my beautiful smile that day.

"Beomgyu, wake up." Hiah peeked her head into my room and saw me already sitting up. She stood there with her arms crossed as I glared at her. I was upset with her for lying to our mom last night. She told our mom all these things I did at the party without knowing the full story or if these things were even true.

She scoffed when she saw my look, "Get out of bed and do something with your life. Mom said so."

"What am I supposed to do when I'm locked in my boring room all day?"

"I don't know, rearrange it!"

"Just leave!"

She turned around with an upset grunt and quickly disappeared down the hall. That pissed me off because who was she to be the upset one?

I stayed sitting there on my bed. I was rubbing my eyes before I eventually got up and walked over to Honey's cage.

Pulling open his cage door, trying not to startle him when I saw he was half asleep in the corner on a raggedy old blanket, I spoke softly, "I'm sorry, Honey." I grabbed his food bowl from inside of his cage and scooped up some food from the bag next to his cage. I placed his food bowl back inside.

I was going to pull him out and play with him for a little while, but I couldn't bring myself to wake him up from his slumber just because I was bored and had nothing to do.

So instead, I lifted 2 fingers to my lips and pressed a gentle kiss to them before pressing the fingers to the top of Honey's head. He was a sweet boy.

"Beomgyu!"