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♡♡♡
y/n's pov:
i should've known.
i should've fucking known.
i was so blind. too blind. and it's my fault. i should've known that he was like every single other asshole teenage boy who had ever attempted to treat me right. they always slip up somewhere. i didn't even see it coming. and i don't know how i would've. he was sweet and funny and his mom clearly raised him right, but his words are splinters in my heart. embedded in my pulmonary veins, blood pushes them on so they can rip up the rest of my circulatory system.
betrayal is a funny thing, hazel laughs.
not so funny anymore.
times like these are the times that i miss hazel the most. she always had the best advice and she was patient, the exact opposite of me. we completed each other. and now that she's gone, i search for that completion in everyone i meet. i haven't found it yet.
"hazel?"
"mm?"
"do you ever wonder what it would be like if we never met?"
we're floating. side by side in the river behind our grandparents house. the water is cool on our skin and the sun kisses our cheeks through gaps in the leaf cover above. birds bicker somewhere to my left and i can hear the burble of water as it passes over the rocks. clouds float lazily on by.
"no."
"never?"
"nope."
"why not?"
"why would i?"
she turns to face me.
"clearly, we did meet," she smiles.
i roll my eyes. i go back to staring up at the sky. i feel her hand grab mine, our fingers tangling together. we become one again. soul sisters, searching the stars together forever.
"i'm glad i met you, haze."
"i'm glad i met you too, y/n/n."
later that night, she sings me to sleep on the porch swing. her voice rich and velvety. she never exactly hit the right notes, but in my mind, all that mattered was her. us. her words and this moment. the stars twinkle at us from the dark blanket of sky. almost as if they were smiling. hazel and i smile back.
i'm curled up in my bed, an empty tub of ben and jerry's on the nightstand and my lyric journal out in front of me. mascara stains my under eyes and my gloss is smudged across my cheek. i'm a mess. i'm doing what i do best in these kinds of situations. i'm writing a song. messy words are scribbled on lined paper, a skeleton chorus flutters around my head. like those winged keys in harry potter, so close yet so far away. i hum a melody and it clicks. i basically fall off my bed to get to my guitar. i grab it, slip a capo on and then play a couple chords, changing the key at random to get what i want. then i let it all out. all the pent up rage and sadness, the love and the hatred, everything i'm feeling right now about walker. hazel's absence, usually a tangible thing is gone. i know she's here with me. watching me do what i do best. watching me create. when it's all over, nothing left in my wake but a few scattered pages and my ink stained fingers, i finally let out the breath i hadn't even known i'd been holding.
i smile. a broken, bruised and battered smile, but victorious nonetheless.
nothing can hurt me anymore.
"y/n!" jj calls, interrupting my destructive thought process, "theres mail for you?"
i slide off my bed, dejectedly leaving my freshly written masterpiece behind me and skipping down the stairs, taking them two at a time.
"what is it?" i ask, when i reach the kitchen where jj is standing.
there's kraft mac and cheese cooking on the stove. the smell hits me and i immediately think of the ad walker did for them a couple years back. i do my best to restrain my gag reflexes and not physically convulse.
"i don't know... it's very pink and it's very glittery and i can't read cursive," he says, holding out the letter for me to take it.
i do and i have to squint to make out the words. i can't.
"hold on," i say, holding up one finger. i abruptly turn around and head back to my room to grab my reading glasses. i slip them on then make my way downstairs.
jj peers over my shoulder as i read the words.
"y/n and jj l/n, you have been cordially invited to brady and xochitl's valentines day ball on february fourteenth. bring your pinkest outfit.... and your best attitude and prepare to have a funtastic night!"
"a ball, huh," jj muses, "like one of the balls where you where the fancy masks?"
"i don't know?"
i text xochitl.
me: xo, do we wear those mask thingies to your ball?
xochitl: OH YES!! shoot i forgot to put that in the invite.... mb!
me: oh!!
xochitl: LOL ill have to send another one damn
me: good luck brave soldier
xochitl: appreciate it queen
i pocket my phone and turn to jj.
"yes, masks."
"oooooo," he giggles, "this'll be fun!"
"what does that even mean, jj," i eye him.
he looks up from his phone.
"leena texted."
"oh?" my heart almost stops.
"she said that walker got the same invite."
i'm going to faint. or flip a table. either of those two options sound very delicious right now.
"he's going."
♡♡♡
i know this was lwk short, butttt i have an english essay due tmrw!! and i need to actually sleep bc ive been having bad dreams!!
me after googling the function of the pulmonary veins: 👩⚕️🩺
