a/n: very angsty read with caution. mentions of self harm, blood. also mentions of overdose.
"wishing you were at my door."
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y/n's pov:
hazel, what am i supposed to do?
how can i fix this? how can i fix me?
she's unusually silent. all these problems i'm causing probably scared her away. i'm scaring me away too. the longer i spend sitting in my feelings, the faster it catches up to me. so fast that it's taking my lungs with it. suddenly, i can't breathe. i'm drowning in my own body. on the dry land of my room. blood rushes in my ears like an ocean of endless sorrow. i can't reach hazel, walker won't talk to me. i'm scared that if i look in the mirror all i'll see is a lying, treacherous, terrible, horrible, broken girl. i'll see the little girl i made so many promises to. i'm sorry, y/n. i hate me too.
"you know, you're my favorite sister," hazel smiles.
her tooth gap winks at me. i grin and hand her a daisy crown. she places it on her head, along with two others.
"i'm your only sister," i say.
"even if you weren't my only sister, you'd still be my favorite," she says, stifling a smile.
we've been exiled to the outside. mom and dad needed to have a chat. that was code for "you wouldn't understand, you're only a kid." they're talking about hazel. they almost always are. she knows it too. i see the way she glances at the house. there's something everybody hasn't told me. i have no clue why we're out here. all i know is that i found hazel swimming in her blood again last night. she was still awake. not yet consumed by her storm. she waved at me and asked me if i'd like to join her. i almost choked on my spit calling for mom. tears forming a railing on the edge of my eyes. all i got out was two letters before i blacked out. blood makes me see stars. i'm only twelve and i don't know anything. but i do know that they might send her away. somewhere with bright fluorescent lights and stuffy hallways. the kind of place you could lose your mind in. sometimes late at night i can see the fractures in hazel's mind. they mirror the hairline cracks across my frontal lobe. i catch myself hating how similar our tears look as they trail down our cheeks. i never wanted to be sad i never asked for it. if sad were a person, it might be me.
"hey, you ok there, little sis?" hazel asks, concern glazing her eyes.
"are you ok?" i turn her words on herself.
she gives me a smile, like that's a ridiculous question. i don't ask ridiculous questions.
"of course i'm ok. why wouldn't i be?" she asks, head tilted.
of course she's ok. why wouldn't she be. why shouldn't i be.
why can't we be ok anymore?
the day i stopped being ok was the day i killed my childhood. i can still see my chubby hands reaching, clinging onto any last innocence. any last peace. i'd give anything to be ok. even my first-born child. i hate it here. i want hazel back.
all that i have left of hazel is her whispers across my subconscious and the stars behind my eyelids.
and the glass. the mirror. reflecting my deepest darkest fears in rippling shades of crimson. i want to hide behind my polished fingernails and the ironic baby tees that hug my chest. i only hate being a girl at night. nights where i can't sleep and my thoughts march across my skull like ants on a mission. they whisper into my ears. i pull myself off the bed and head towards the bathroom. i open the cabinet behind the mirror, rummaging around for anything i can take to ease the pain. i'm not myself anymore. i am become the roaring in my ears, mimicking the highway. loud and overwhelming and unbearably heavy. if grief were a coat, it would be too big for me.
i find something, an orange pill bottle. words blur on the label. i swear i make out the letters in narcotic. i pour some into my hands. tears hold hands over my eyes. i throw my head back and swallow dry. the scratching of the capsules against my throat doesn't even register. i slump down next to the toilet. i don't know how long i'm sitting there until they start to take effect. my body starts to go numb. i feel weightless. i hear footsteps in the hallway and i try to turn my head to look but i've lost all function in my limbs. i'm tilting forward. jj rushes towards me. too fast.
"y/n? y/n? what's going on?" he kneels next to me, holding my face in his hands.
i want to smile, tell him everything is ok, but i'm not me anymore. i haven't been me for a while. laughter bubbles in my mind. what would walker think of me know? useless girl. jj shakes me.
"oh my fucking god," he's found the pills.
he's shouting for mom, screaming. his voice itches my ears. please stop. everyone is in the bathroom now. i'm seeing double, triple. so many people. i smile dizzily. i'm ok everyone!! don't worry about me. i spot hazel in the back. hi hazel!! you're back!! she smiles and beckons at me to come join her. i stand up to join her. when i turn around, i see my body, slumped on the ground. my dad is lifting me up into his arms. my mom is sobbing. i turn back to hazel.
i'm here hazel!
it's not your time yet, little bird, she tells me.
her smile lines are upside-down. i reach for her, but i'm grasping air.
she pushes me back and i trip. on the bottle of pills, spilled on the bathroom floor like my dignity. i fall. i don't stop at the floor. i keep falling until the world blurs and everything fades to black. the emptiness opens it's mouth and swallows me whole.
hazel?
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i just wanted to say, i know this chapter is heavy. if you need to talk about anything, even if it isn't significant in the long run, i'm here for you!! my pm's are always open. i promise i'm a good listener.
so i cross my thoughtless heart, spread my wings like a parachute. i'm the albatross. i'd like to thank ttpd for sponsoring this chapter and also my sleep deprivation. thank you ttpd.
also i was trying to figure out how long it takes narcotics to set in and i googled it and it led me to a hotline... pls don't take narcotics y'all. my info is probably not accurate too
