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walker's pov:
i don't think i've ever cried as much as i'm crying right now. i can't stop. the tears keep coming, leaving me a snotty mess. i hope i didn't look like as much of a wimp earlier, than i do right now. i'm curled up in what some would say is the fetal position in my bed. my face in a pillow, so no one can hear me. what did i just do?
all i can picture is the look of absolute betrayal on y/n's face when i told her i never wanted to see her again. it's like she gave me her heart and i took it and shattered it against the pavement. i think i thought it would make me feel better. seeing her hurt like she hurt me. it's karma, right?
right?
i feel like a terrible person. i'm fighting the demons i call my feelings. i am so in love with her, but all i can think of, is the way she hurt me. that song dug it's claws into my chest and i can't get it out of my brain. i almost, almost didn't do it. when she sang to me earlier, i almost didn't do it. but here i am. crying because i did do it. i know that i hurt her, but i also know that she hurt me. she played with my feelings, she wrote a fucking song about me. i don't want to see her again until she realizes that and she makes it up to me. i actually really want to see her again. i want to pull her into my arms and hold her until forever falls apart. it's getting really hard to ignore the little part of my subconscious telling me to take leena's car and drive over to her house. i don't even have my license. a knock at my door startles me out of my semi self-induced misery.
"hey, walk?" my mom's voice calls from the other side, "can i come in?"
"yeah," i respond.
she opens the door, eyes scanning the room for me and when she finally spots me, curled up in a nest of blankets, she gives me a sad smile.
"hey, kiddo," she says, making her way over to sit on the bed next to me.
i put my head in her lap and she twists my curls, just like she used to do when i was a kid.
"how are you?" she asks.
"terrific," i mutter.
she sighs, knowing that it'll be harder than it needs to be to get information out of me.
"walker, talk to me."
"i hate her."
"no you don't."
i sit up to stare at her, narrowing my eyes.
"what do you mean, no i don't?"
"i'm your mom walker and let me say that i know you. so when i tell you this, it's coming from my heart and what i think is best for you. you don't hate her," she takes my hands in hers, squeezing them, "i think you're just scared to admit you love her. yes, i know she hurt you and believe me, i'm not pleased with her either, but i've seen the way you look at her. she's like your universe. you could've said the same thing about the way your dad looked at me before we got married. you're always talking about her. or listening to her music," she points at the yesterday vinyl that i have on my record player. it's spinning, but it isn't making sound.
"i know you might not like this right now, but she's the closest thing you've got to a soulmate. yes, she messed up, but this girl? she will fix it. i've seen you watch her interviews and i've seen the way she is. she's fierce and determined and she will win you back. i am sure of it."
i try to protest, but she gives me a "i'm not done" look. i close my mouth.
"it might take a while and it might hurt, but keep in mind, you hurt her too. and you're both young and still learning. it's ok to make mistakes and it's ok to fix them. it won't be the end of the world if you let her love you, you know. even if her love comes in the form of vaguely directed almost love songs."
"mom, don't you think that it was a really stupid thing to be mad about? she didn't need to write a song about me like that."
she gives me a knowing smile.
"walker... have you really listened to that song?"
i tilt my head, "kind of? i could only stomach the first verse."
she pats my hand and then pulls me in for a hug. i hug her back. i haven't gotten a hug from her in a while. mom's give the best hugs. she pulls away and kisses me on the forehead, then gets up.
"it's way past my bedtime, walk. goodnight, i love you!"
"i love you too."
she walks out, then pops her head back into the door.
"oh, and walker? listen to the whole song."
the door shuts and the darkness creeps in. i reach over and grab my airpod case, popping them into my ears. then i open apple music and hit play on her song.
a blue girl and her teenage boy.
the first sign probably should've been the way she called me "her" teenage boy in the title. i don't spend too much time on that. her words fill my ears and swallow my thoughts. i don't understand how she can sound so ethereal. she'd be perfect as a siren. not that she isn't already perfect. the chorus swells and i can hear it now. i didn't think i'd so literally have to read between the lines, but between each verse, the background vocals whisper sweet nothings. but they aren't really sweet nothings, they're sweet everythings. line after line of conflicting thought about how she doesn't hate me, she never did.
after three listens, all i can picture is her. the smile lines on her face. the tear burns at the corners of her eyes that she tries to hide with concealer. i want to know why she's crying. the freckle on her left ear and the other one, on her bottom lip. the way her hair rests at the nape of her neck. the dip of her cupid's bow and the slant of her nose. how her hands form chords and the way they fit in mine. her smell fills my nose. faint shimmers of coffee beans and vanilla scones. orange peels melt across my tongue. i open my eyes just as her voice, singing how she's learning to love, caresses my eardrums. i sink into her epiphany.
i let the song play out before i hit pause. stopping it before it can begin again and get my hopes up for a fifth time. her harmonies echo through my skull. i stare at the album cover, maybe i can burn it into the backs of my eyes. a reminder about how i almost, maybe i have lost the only girl who loved me enough to write me a song. i face-plant into my pillow and let out a frustrated groan. why are teenage girls so confusing. i sigh, flip around and stare up at the ceiling. hands resting on my stomach as it rises and falls. i close my eyes. i've decided. i'm going to let her win me back. because maybe i do love her after all.
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hello my gorgeous readers its your girl, reemerging from her ap world grind to deliver you another chapter!!
