Ava
Anger is a privilege of the truly broken, and yet I've never met a woman who was broken enough that she allowed herself to be angry. An angry woman must answer for herself. The reasons for her anger must be picked over, examined, and debated. My anger must stand the scrutiny of the court of law, of evidentiary procedures.- Roxane Gay
I've grown accustomed to sitting on opposite side of the spectrum. My therapist voice pierces my ear drum along with the light rain drops hitting the window. I shake my head no to his question, with my head lowered.
"What step are you currently on?"
"Nine."
"That's good Ava, this exercise is completed at your own speed. Step nine is the forgiveness step, that can take years, everybody is different so don't rush it. How's your mental health been since we last seen each other."
"All over the place, I was making dinner two nights ago and I just busted out crying, my daughter was in the other room so she came to check on me, one look at her face and I was better but it's been happening a lot more, the periodic cries."
"Have you been writing down your thoughts and feelings?"
"Yes, every night before bed."
A year ago I started therapy, the first day I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe acute anxiety. I hated how I was feeling, my baby brought me joy but I was a mess inside, I needed to get help for her...the both of us. Dr. Ali has been a saving grace, there were times when I would call him at 3am because I felt like someone was in my home, it took a long time to understand that I got away safe.
"It's a good step, it means that you are getting more comfortable, you deserve that. Every session I see you take some of the power she took from you everyday."
"So why do I still feel like this, the nightmares, the constant check in's on my child, the pills, my faith being tested, the panic attacks. I've shielded myself so much that I can't even go out with my friend or give someone who is worthy of my time my full attention, something I could do with no problems, why does she still have this power over me?"
"It's difficult to get out of this stage of feeling like someone else is controlling your life. Ava you have the power, she doesn't. That night in that car you took all your power back. You made a choice and it's what has you and Arya alive today. You have the power, now it's time for you to realize it. She's dragged you through the depths of hell, so you're not afraid to go back because you know how it can end. You won.
"This doesn't feel like winning."
"Winning is waking up another day knowing that you made it, choosing to live your life in the same world she exists in,-over time things will get better."
"I wished death on her life to her face."
"I'd be worried if you hadn't given her some type threat."
"I hate that she saw me like that, so pressed, fucked up over what happened. I thought after I testified that I could let the anger go but it's gotten worse. I'm starting to regret it."
"How so?"
"It's done me no good, I can't even go out in public for long with Arya. I can't maneuver in work spaces how I want, I don't know if you seen but I'm the world's most hated person right now."
"Really?" He pulls an iPad from his desk then taps through it
"I respect any woman that can testify against her abuser especially when they are worshiped publicly....The woman that testified never asked for money, she only spoke on behalf of the family of the girl that was killed.....prayers to the woman who spoke out, that wasn't easy....As a domestic violence victim myself, I believe everything this woman is saying, she has every reason to press legal charges but she hasn't....Sending you love, ignore the haters."
