You'll Always Have My Shoulder When You Cry

Chapter 23: Bathtub

"You've become so damaged that when someone tries to give you what you deserve, you have no fuking idea how to respond."

So he knows what a bath is... Stop being so awkward. Ugh, what is wrong with me?

Everything except for the way I shoot but that doesn't help me with parenting does it?

Ugh, parenting. Fuck, this is hard.

There's warm water in the tub. And I am so fucking confused. Am I supposed to help him or...

Maybe I should stop fucking swearing-meh we'll deal with that later or never.

It's not like he can read minds. Or can he? Maybe he-What the fuck is wrong with me?

I looked at Luca and he looked... Scared. He was biting his lips and his eyes were shut tightly and the cut on his cheek... Pretty sure that hurt because he was shutting his eyes tightly.

Why is he scared now? He was literally just rolling his a minute ago.

"Luca" Why do I always have to call him by his name can't I just say 'you' like a normal person?

"What's wrong?" I said it as softly as I could but as usual, he flinched. Fuck, why am I so bad at this?  

"Luca," I said, my voice softer this time, trying not to scare the shit out of him. "Are you okay?"

Of course, he's not okay. How can he be? I hate when people ask me if I'm okay. He probably doesn't like that.

Luca hesitated, his grip on his hoodie tightening once again. He didn't say anything but the way he was biting his lip and avoiding eye contact. Something definitely changed but what?

Seriously, I'm one of the best shooters and I can solve-correction- I have solved every fucking murder mystery better than Sherlock Homes all because I'm observant. Why can't I figure out why a kid's mood shifted? No not mood, demeanor.

I waited. Well, that's a lie. I'm impatient and have zero patience.

Those mean the same thing. What is wrong with me today? I'm never like this (sober).

"Hey," I said gently, crouching down beside him. My palms were sweating and I was definitely feeling hot and it wasn't because I looked in the mirror.

I'm...nervous.

Great! I'm scared of a kid. My kid. Damn, that was oddly possessive of me. I hate being nervous. I don't even feel nervous when someone's pointing a gun at me but that's because I'm not nervous. I'm not scared of death. 

I actually crave it but...parenting. I don't even know how to be a normal 20-year-old let alone be a parent. 

I stared at Luca, who was now -did I zone out that long?-huddled in the corner, looking small and vulnerable. I wanted to help. To comfort him just as any father would do, but I didn't know how to help.

 How do you comfort someone when you can't even comfort yourself? How do I tell him that everything is okay when it's not? And it never will be. Nothing gets 'better' you just learn to live with it and put up a fake smile.

I got up and went to the corner and Luca immediately buried his face in his chest like I was a monster. Maybe I am one.

THIRD PERSON POV

Alessio sat down cross-legged. It was amusing how there was a bathroom bigger than most people's houses and all Alessio and Luca did was sit in one tiny corner

Luca sat in the corner because he wasn't used to having such a big bathroom or such a big bed. He always had to use his mother's bathroom and it was lavish but nothing compared to Alessio's. He loved how cozy the bed was but at the same time, he hated it. He was so used to living on that dusty tiny mattress that it felt weird sleeping on a new bed.

Luca dug his nail into his arm.

He was overwhelmed. It was just too confusing. And then there's Alessio....his daddy? His mother hated when Luca called him 'mommy' or anything but Miss. She always said that calling a person 'mommy' or 'daddy' is a special thing. It means you love each other and his mother never loved him she mentioned that. He didn't want to make Alessio mad so he would just call him sir.

He could feel the sting his arm was going to leave and he did it on an open cut but he didn't care. 

He was most confessed and overwhelmed because of Alessio. He was so nice. He even showed Luca the stars and never got mad and he also made that sound with the thing (guitar) which sounded nice. 

Why is he being so nice? Now, he could feel the drops of blood trickling down his arm.

 Luca didn't mind getting hit. He wasn't that much afraid of that. It's normal for him to get hurt. He just didn't want to make Alessio mad at him because he liked-as selfish as it it-how Alessio didn't want to make him scared and cared if he got hurt.

 He would get hurt a million times just so that Alessio would help him because he cares. No one ever cares.

 Sure Miss (Luca's tutor) bandaged him up but she would do it so harshly and quickly and kept calling him weak but Alessio asked if he was getting hurt and he did so slowly. 

He needed to know why Alessio was being so nice and why couldn't his mother or his tutor or sir be nice. Why were they so mean? They all said it was his fault but Luca knew he never did anything but they made him feel like it was all his fault. He never- Luca's thought process was interrupted when he heard footsteps.

He didn't want to look up so he sneaked in a tiny peak. He saw Alessio was looking at him. Luca forced himself to put his head down.

"Luca, Are you scared?" Alessio knew the answer to that question but he had to try making conversation. He knew Luca could speak but...

Luca mentally face-palmed himself. How stupid is he? He wasn't scared anymore just confused and very frustrated. His arm hurt now thanks to him.

Luca put his head up and let go of his arm. He bit his lip trying not to make a sound.

Boo :)

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