So Wrong, It's Right (Louis)

Chapter 15

When I finally made myself return home after the most exhausting day of my life I didn't think I'd be in for another surprise. I was so nervous when I could see my house come into my view, standing still to disguise whatever craziness actually existed on the inside. I didn't think the neighbours ever heard the yelling that goes on beyond the painted front door. I opened that door after reassuring myself that I could do this, taking in the words Liam softly spoke into my ear for comfort since he wasn't holding me closely anymore.

It was silent. Dead silent. 

I was expecting him to be there waiting for me to return. He should have wanted to see me and began to shout at me for how disrespectful I was and then how stupid and pathetic I was for getting expelled and no longer on the team. Even though he was the least supportive parent I've ever met, he always seemed to know how I was doing on the team.

 I was always met with his insults and it felt like I was walking into a trap when it was silent and he wasn't there. I had to be extra cautious of my every move because for all I know he could be waiting to strike me at any moment.  In my fear I couldn't help but keep trying to cover up my face. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to be going through this anymore. 

Eventually I made it up to my room. Before I went to go hide there, I checked to see if the door to my parents' room was closed. I couldn't help but to think about my mum and how she was able to stand sharing a bed with the man that I didn't want to call my own father. Then I thought about what happened when I left her alone with him.

It's been about week now since that day that doesn't even feel real.

I kept to my own space. I didn't want to have to leave my room to walk into open territory to be ripped apart. I honestly had no idea what my next move was going to be or even supposed to be. I guess Zayn was right, my ideas were terrible. 

Speaking of Zayn, he called me a few days ago. It wasn't to check up on me or to try and talk things through about where our friendship stood. To be honest, I barely thought about fixing that up. Anyway, Zayn's mum decided that it would be best for her son if he went to one of those alternative schools. Zayn actually agreed with her decision, not wanting to have to stop going to school just because of what happened. He wanted to move past it and move on from it. He liked school and I never really knew that about Zayn. 

While he was telling me about all of this, I couldn't help but wonder how I was going to be spending the rest of my days. Would I be going to another school after this or was I just going to be erased like I couldn't exist anywhere because what I have done. Louis Tomlinson could end up being a name that was spoken with disgust. I was going to be remembered as a monster without sympathy, not that I deserved any. 

He ended our phone call with something I probably could have guessed. His mum didn't want him speaking or hanging around with me. She didn't have to worry too much about that happening. I sort of went back into my usual defensive mode of brushing it off and commenting why he even bothered calling me if his mum said he couldn't. Zayn was tired of me doing that but it would probably be last time he'd ever get to hear it. 

I also tried getting in touch with Liam during that week. He told me that I should take a few days to myself to really sort my head out and I was going to do that but I felt like I could tell Liam about how I was doing. Maybe he wasn't answering my calls like he said he would because I wasn't giving myself that time. Maybe he was busy because his parents didn't want him sitting around after he got suspended for defending somebody else. It was noble but he still fought in school and that was another one of those zero tolerance kind of deals. 

I did get around to listening to Liam about how I deserved some good in my life. The way I was looking at it was that Liam was a good thing that I kept pushing away and when I finally let him in I was able to tell him private things I've kept in for so long. Sure, I had an emotional breakdown right in front of his house but he was there to guide me through it. He was telling me that it was okay if I cried and it was okay to feel, even though I always pushed it away. Letting it come back to me felt a little bit relieving.