Hockey Baby 🏒

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Sophie

    I grimaced as I ran my fingers across my temple and stared in disgust at the stitches on the crown of my hairline. "I look grotesque." I mumbled as I dropped the mirror down on to my lap table and Katie chuckled as she sat next to me.

  "You wish, Soph. You look amazing for someone who just survived an awful car accident and had a baby." She complimented and I flinched at the mention of my baby.

    It had been two days since I found out about her and I still hadn't found the courage to meet her. She's here in the NICU at the hospital and the nurses give me updates on her every day, but I just can't bring myself to see her. I was too scared that if I saw her she would become real. I looked down at my phone on the table and saw a picture of a very pregnant me and Ashton smiling at each other on my lock screen and it made me feel weird.

    It was so strange to see myself pregnant, but have no memory of it. I took a ragged breath as I looked up at Katie and noticed her staring at me worriedly. "Have you... seen her yet?" I asked nervously and Katie gave me a small smile as she nodded.

  "Yes, Ashton let me hold her for the first time yesterday and she's absolutely breathtaking." She whispered and I slowly nodded as I looked down at my hands.

    Everyone kept telling me how beautiful she looked, that she was getting stronger every day, and that I could visit her whenever I wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was too much of a coward. "When do you think you'll visit her?" Katie asked, breaking me out of my thoughts and I shrugged.

  "I don't know if I'll ever want to visit her if I'm being honest." I whispered, ashamed of admitting it out loud, but it was the truth. I know she was my daughter, but since I had no memory of ever being pregnant it was like I was missing that bond that you form when you find out you're having a baby.

  "Don't say that, Soph. You don't mean it-"

  "But, I do," I croaked out as tears stung my eyes and I looked up at Katie to see her staring at me with so much pity in her eyes. "I do mean it. I don't have those feelings a mother is supposed to have when she has a child. It's like I was robbed of this beautiful experience and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. What if I meet her and I still feel as empty as I do now? She doesn't deserve to have a mother who doesn't love her. She and Ashton deserve the girl in these pictures, but I don't know how to find her." I sob as I hold up my phone, showing Katie the lock screen.

  "I wish more than anything that I could remember at least one moment of what it felt like being pregnant and being in love with, Ashton. But, I don't think I ever will." Katie wiped away a tear as she reached out with her other hand and grasped mine firmly.

  "Sophia, I cannot imagine how terrifying this all must be for you. But, I was there with you since the beginning of your relationship with Ashton and I can promise you with everything I have that you were head over heels in love with that man. You looked at him like he hung the moon, the sun, and the stars! And you loved every single moment of your pregnancy. From the mood swings to the morning sickness, you loved every second of it." She said sternly and before I could argue with her, she grabbed my phone and unlocked it, something I haven't been brave enough to do since my Mom gave it to me last night. "Here," She said handing it back to me then stood up. "I'm going to go get something and while I'm gone I want you to watch every video in your camera roll until I get back." She said and I shook my head, prepared to lock my phone and throw it out the window but she placed her hand over mine that was holding it and gave me a reassuring smile.

  "You can do it, Soph. I know you can." She assured me and then released my hand. I watched her walk out of my room and I took in deep breaths as I slowly lifted my phone with shaky hands and pressed play on the first video.