Once upon a time...

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Listen to Change by NF

I dream of blasting my music in a house where no one disturbs me, where the world doesn't complain that it's too sad. After sleepless nights and a morning run that almost felt peaceful, the aftermath hit me like it always does. Urinating, my eyes water from the unnecessary stress.

Forget all that I wrote earlier. I knew this outburst was coming, and here it is, tumbling down like fire trying to melt metal. Scoffing has become second nature—laughing at my own depression is a twisted kind of relief. It keeps me from breaking down.

I want the world to know I'm not okay. But the world has its own issues, leaving me and everyone else trapped in pain, struggling to survive in this mundane filth.

I could have gone rogue a long time ago, but I kept holding on, thinking my actions might affect my future. But what future? If I die, knowing I never really lived?

The only thing keeping me sane is my mom and a few friends I've made along the way. I hope they stay, but I feel like they're getting tired of my weird self. Despite the fights and emotional pain, my mom reminds me that we—my siblings and I—only have each other in this world. No one else.

The presence that holds us together, right? Someone once said there's nothing wrong with contemplating the divine. But my head tells me, "Dani, don't test the waters." But... my thoughts have already gone too far, said worse, felt worse, inspired worse, hummed worse.

No! I need a release. I almost picked you, D, to be that release. I was vulnerable for a while. Honestly, forget you!

The divine isn't bound by human terms, so trying to comprehend this spirit with language we know feels limiting, even though we do it anyway.

I'm scared. I'm scared I've lost my way—the way I was once so comfortable with, the way that made me think I'd make it to heaven. My emotions are like strangers who don't plan on moving out of my head anytime soon, so I don't know how to find my way back.

I left the path because I thought I saw like-minded souls. Big mistake. Now I'm naked, vulnerable, aware, but lost. Ending this is painful, but I want to at least finish something. It's not an achievement because they'd say I'm just spilling my secrets, but this—this is just a pinch of what I'm holding back.

We almost got them worried, revealing just a bit of what's on my lips.
"We reverted, dani, big time" i said to myself, as i seeped deeper into nothingness
Now, I want to sit back and see what you'll learn dani, maybe then you'll finally be free.
Don't ever let them worry about you! Everyone's got their own struggles.

To end this confusion, I just want all of you lost in your pain to know you're not alone. Like NF said, you're not the only ones that feel this way.

Find an outlet, a beautiful one if you can. If it's ugly, make it beautiful, because when you show me your outlet, I want to see beautifully ugly splatters. You've got me, and I can fully say I've got something large and incomparable backing me like a shadow.

Smiling with no emotions is therapeutic... 💜
World don't stop cuz I'm in a bad mood~NF

                          D.a.n.i.e.l.l.a