Sunburn - Ed Sheeran
A month had passed since Jasmine had left me.
It was alright I guessed, I mean she left me for a mistake I'd made.
I told myself this everyday so that hopefully one day I'd wake up and not blame myself for her departure but I knew that as sure as a the sun would set I'd never stop blaming myself.
I've gone through all the stages of 'depression' that came with a break up.
Personally I didn't like throwing the word 'depression' around like it was an emotion, because it wasn't. It is a very serious mental disorder that has been romantised by society. But I guess no one really wants to think that they have a disorder and maybe people casually using the word like it's nothing is their way of making the depressed a little less depressed, letting them not feel like they're alone and if that was the case then I was 'depressed', but I knew for a fact that that was not people's trail of thought
But never the less that's what people called into and I'd momentarily fallen into the mainstream.
I was sad and I cried, and I cried until I literally felt like I would never cry again, but obviously that was impossible, because I ended up crying the next day as well.
It was painful. I felt like someone had literally stuck a machete through my chest and gouged out my heart, cooked it and then feed it to me so that it could re-grow again, inside of me, right in time to save me from dying a heartless death, but I was already half dead, not that this made my heart work any better.
Gruesome, yes, but that was the unholy power that sadness had over me.
But at the time of its re-growth I didn't want a re-growth; I wanted to shift myself from this life. I didn't necessarily want to die, but I didn't want to live.
I wanted to exist in a world where nothing happened.
It would be a timeless, shapeless, people-less world where I'd been alone, but my departure wouldn't have affected anyone, no one would have known because I wouldn't have existed.
I didn't want to deal with life; I just wanted to be nonexistent. At the time, it was the most appealing thing to me.
Then I was angry.
Furious, really.
How could she leave me?
It's not that I'm this interesting ass person, but I'd like to believe that she had had some feelings for me. Even if she didn't love me, which she made very clear, she didn't hate me, far from it.
If anything she tolerated me for the duration of our relationship. But it was a good tolerance, the kind that is born out of fondness.
I screamed at walls and I broke things and I did all these things until I cried proving myself wrong again, I was still able to cry.
But I knew that she'd eventually come back to me, I hoped anyway.
I just thought to myself, she's going to see things the way I did, she'd miss me, being in the same room sharing oxygen and she'd eventually regret the break up and then she'd come back to me.
The only reason I was waiting for her to come back was because I kept trying to contact her, but she threw all those attempts out the window.
But I guess that kind of stuff only happens to One Direction, normal guys like me just suffer. If I were in One Direction I wouldn't even have had to force her to come back to me, she wouldn't have left in the first place. Who leaves a member of One Direction?
