I'll be your wings

Chapter 10 radiation

((Warning, this chapter contains self harm and if you can't handle it, skip if needed))
Sleeping in made Castiel a little better. He was still sad about everything though. After him and Dean got ready, they went back to the hospital and arrived at the radiation section. Again they were waiting to be called and Castiel kept his coat up so people wouldn't see his scar.Dean watched people, and then glanced back to Castiel who was hiding the scar.
"You know you can take your coat off." Castiel shook his head no.
"I'm don't want to."
"Why? It's hot in here." He said and took off his own jacket. Castiel shrugged.
"You know why Dean." The hunger sighed.
"Alright." Castiel sat back. He was sweating and eventhough he wanted to take his coat off he was nervous to. Wiping his brow, he rests his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean noticed Castiel sweating, he frowned.
"Cas, take the damn coat off. If they want to stare I'll say something." The angel glared at him and took it off. He looked down so the scar wouldn't be as noticeable. Dean nodded and went back to looking at his phone. After waiting a half hour, Castiel was called in and told to change but Dean wasn't allowed this time. He was told to wait and when Castiel is finished he needs to take him home and away from others so nothing radioactive gets to them. Dean nodded in underwear and waited for Castiel. Castiel gave Dean his things and kissed his cheek before heading to the room. Dean smiled back at him as he watched his angel leave. He sat back in the waiting area with Castiel's things. While he waits, Dean is texting Sam the whole time.Sam continues texting Dean.
He'll be fine, stop worrying-SW
I can't, all I can keep thinking is these ass hats will hurt him-DW
We read all night that radiation doesn't hurt. It's just an hour long thing and just take him back when he's done and he's gotta do this everyday for a few weeks-SW
All I gotta say is this, the nurse better not flirt with him.-DW
She won't. If she does you know Cas would ignore her-SW
I know. It's just my nerves Sammy.-DW
I know, mine too.-SW
What do I for an hour? I'm so worried I don't think I can even eat.-DW
You can still talk to me or walk around for a few. You should do something. -SW
There's not much to do, if i do walk around I'd probably get lost. And if I have to watch another minute of this Spanish soap opera I'm going to shoot someone-DW
Watch Netflix or something. Use my account I won't mind.-SW
I could practically see the bitch face with that last text.-DW
I'm sure you do. Listen, you can head back now and pick him up or stay there. I'm just looking for a hunt because I'm board.-SW
You gonna take your archangel stalker along?-DW
I don't know, should I even do one while Cas is sick? I mean I can contact someone else to do it.-SW
You can go if you want to, I'll look after cas.-DW
Sure, because I won't mind helping you out.-SW
Alright, hey here comes cas.-DW
Alright, I'll let you go. See you later.-SW
See ya Sammy.-DW
Dean puts his phone away, standing. Castiel gets his things and quietly goes to the changing room. Dean waits for him. Castiel steps out and looks at Dean. The hunter smiles at him. Castiel faintly smiled and gently hugs Dean. Dean hugs him back.
"Hey babe."
"Hi." He said into Dean's chest.
"You okay?" Castiel shakes his head no and starts crying a little.
Dean runs a hand through Castiel's hair and shushes him.
"I don't wanna go back. It was claustrophobic in there and it was very uncomfortable." He sobs. Dean shoots a glare to the woman scoffing at the end of the row and kisses Castiel's hair.
"I'm pathetic." He said looking up at Dean with tear his tear stained face.
"No your not." He says and wipes the tears away with his thumb. Castiel nodded letting it go. He'll talk about it later.
"Can we go? I had enough for today."
"Of course." Castiel composed himself and left, holding Dean's hand. Dean holds Castiel's hand waking to the impala. Castiel gets in the passenger seat and says nothing. Dean bites his lip as he starts the car, debating what to say. The angel sat back and rests his head against the window. He just wants to jump off a bridge right now instead of going through this routine for the next few weeks. Dean glances over at Castiel every once and awhile. Castiel says nothing, he just wants to go away for a while. Dean just drives, thinking it's best to be quiet. When they get to the bunker, Castiel immediately gets out and heads inside. Dean waited a few minutes then followed where Castiel went off to. The angel is in the bathroom crying his eyes out. He looks over at Dean's razor and thinks about using it on himself, he's just desperate for release. While, Dean's waiting in their bedroom giving his angel space. The angel pushed himself up and grabbed it, sitting on the toilet seat he rolled his sleeves up. Looking at it he pressed it against his skin, dragging it along until he saw blood pour out. He winces in pain but he thinks it's the right thing to do. Dean is reading over an interesting possible case. When Castiel finished he put his now bleeding arm under the faucet and turns the water on. It stung as it hit his arm but watching his blood flow down the drain was an impressive sight to him. Wrapping it up he rolled his sleeves down and steps outside. Acting like nothing happened. Dean hears the bathroom door open.
"You okay cas?" Castiel forced a smile.
"I'm fine." He walked up to Dean and kissed his cheek. Dean smelt blood, in all his years of hunting, he knew that metallic smell anywhere. Castiel looks up at him.
"I know that look Dean." Dean takes a deep breath, smelling for the source of the blood.
"Where is it?" He questions aloud. "Where's what?" Castiel asked feeling a little nervous.
"That smell. It smells like blood." Castiel raises his eyebrows.
"I don't smell anything Dean. There's nothing like that around." Dean couldn't get that smell out of his nose.
"Are you bleeding?" The angel shook his head no.
"I'm not, why would I?" He scratched the back of his neck. Dean saw the nervous tick that Castiel only did when he was hiding something. The hunter took another deep breath, this time finding the smell coming strongly from Castiel. Castiel saw Dean looking at him. He didn't like being in this situation at all.
"Don't look at me like that."
"Sorry I just can't get that smell out of my head. Maybe I'm crazy." Castiel looked up at him.
"Your not, you just get concerned but I'm okay with that." Dean sniffed around Castiel dog like, finding the source of the smell, his arms. Castiel backed away.
"What are you doing Dean?"
"Your arms.." He mumbled.
"What about them?" The angel asked putting them to the side.
"Are they bleeding?" Castiel shook his head no. Dean narrowed his eyes and held out his hand.
"Let me see your arms." Castiel backed away.
"There's no need for this Dean. I'm tired, I'm gonna go to sleep for a bit." He starts walking away. Dean sneaks up behind him and closes a hand around Castiel's hidden cuts gently. Castiel noticed.
"Let me go Dean, I'm fine." Dean felt the warmth of blood underneath.
"What are you hiding?"
"Nothing." He said getting out of Dean's grasp.
"I'm not hiding anything." Dean turned away, knowing what he was hiding.
"You know, those cuts will leave scars.I used to hide to, but I found it was no use." Castiel tilted his head.
"I'm not doing anything." Dean shrugged,"If you say so." He walked away, looking down at his own scars and sighed. Castiel felt bad. He knew he was a jerk for putting this on Dean's shoulders. He finds him and wraps his arms around him.
"I apologize for lying to you."
"It's ok, I understand." He says and holds Castiel close.
"Maybe you should go. Leave me. Because I'm pathetic and you don't want me around." Dean feels rage boil in him.
"Don't you ever say that! You are heavenly in my eyes and you know what fuck all those other who don't think so. They wish you dead? Well alrighty then but don't ever think that you should end it all because it's not worth it." Dean stands and pulls off his shirts and pants to reveal scars all over.Castiel looks at Dean.
"I'm sorry for your aggression but I want to do that. Not now but in the future when I think I should go and you can live your life." He looks at Dean's scars.
"I can heal that, it will be like it was never there." Dean put his hand out to stop Castiel from talking, he pulls on some jogging pants.
"Well when you leave, I'm leaving too."Castiel shook his head no.
"Live your life, you don't need me. My job is to watch over you and make sure you do good in life. If I go they'll get someone else to do it. I'm very replaceable."
Dean is trying not to cry at this point,"Why would even think about that?!" He cried.
"Because no one ever liked me. I can clearly see you like me for sexual pleasure and I understand that. I'm just an object that shouldn't be loved and remaining in heaven should keep me in order."
"I love you for more than sex you know!" Dean stopped himself,"You know what, if you feel that way then fine, I'll see you on the other side!" Castiel walked up to him.
"Dean, where are you going?" "Bathroom." He said sternly and began to walk away. Castiel nodded and backed off. He sat on their bed and cried, for him and Dean. He felt like a failure to them and heaven. Dean went and took a blade, and began to add new scars. Castiel looked over at the night stand and saw his scar cream. Looking down at his scarred arms he applied it. The smell was weird but after using it for a few nights he was starting to see improvement on his scar and thought why not and used it. Dean sat in the bathroom, arms and legs bleeding. After a long time, Castiel was getting nervous. He gently knocks at the door.
"Dean? I'm sorry...can you come out? We can talk about it." Dean stands and comes to the door, blood pouring from his wounds. Castiel winces. He knew he fucked it up.
"I'm sorry." His voice cracked. Dean didn't say anything, he was weak.Castiel picked him up and laid him down. Using the very last bit of his grace, he healed Dean. Dean fought the grace, trying to push Castiel away. Castiel stayed on top of him, eventually healing him. He sat back and cried.
"I love you and I don't want you hurting." Dean cried.
"I don't want to be healed I want to die."
"So do I!" Castiel sobbed.
Dean stood,"Let me die." Castiel shook his head no.
"I will keep healing you until I have nothing left." Dean sobbed hard.
"Please let me die. I can't live without you."
"No! I won't let you! I don't want you dead! I wanna die! Not you!" Castiel fell to the floor crying.
"I wished you never discovered the bump. Maybe I could of died by now."
Dean sat next to him, rubbing the angel's back.
"I would of died too. Without you, I will be empty and full of unwanted bullshit.  When you came in my life, you gave me a new look on everything and I saw no wrong. When you got diagnosed, I thought the would ended. As you started to get everything in order I knew you were sad, I always wanted to help you. Trust me I did. I just didn't know what to do." Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel. The angel continued sobbing into Dean's chest. After a bit, he stopped crying.
"I'm sorry, I'll stay...please don't go."
"I will never leave you." Dean kissed his forehead and held him close. He knew that they had a lot of issues to solve and a hell of a mess to clean but with time he and Castiel would get better.