Cry Me A River

Normal Feels Good

So many faces, some who I knew, but most who I didn't. Some claimed to have known her, but I think they were there to just see some friends. It didn't matter to me...my mom would've liked a crowd at her funeral.

The microphone was obnoxiously close to my mouth so when I spoke, it felt like I was about to lick it.

"You'll never know the last time you'll see a place. Or a person." That captured everyone's attention. "You can't predict how you'll say goodbye, or when, which makes the times you enjoy that much more valuable." I looked over the sea of faces and found some I knew, kids from school, neighbors and teachers.
"Mom," I spoke directly to her, "wherever you are, I have a confession." I shook my head and gave a watery laugh."I miss you like hell." There was a chuckle from the audience, but pity was evident on their faces.

"I miss how you weren't afraid to speak your mind, how you always made sure I remembered the words to the lyrics of the Bon Jovi songs you loved and how you seemed to be gorgeous even when you were throwing up. I miss how you used to criticize my desserts, but I'd find the empty cookie jar stashed in your room and how you used to wake me up by pouring a buck of ice water on my head. But most of all I miss your hands." I pauses and took a long glance at the casket.

"The hands that held me, the hands that braided my hair on the first day of school, the hands that wrapped around mine when they were shaky and the hands that gave me comfort and warmth when there was nothing else left. I tried to memorize the feel of your hands. Trouble is," I swallowed, trying to push the words out, "I've already forgotten what they feel like." I blew her a kiss and said quietly,

"I can't memorize you mom, but I memorized your love for everyone."
------
I'd like to say everything got easier, but it didn't. Because I was underage, my brothers and I were supposed to move in with my dad, at least until I turned sixteen. However, he didn't want me, Cam or Jason so we were then meant to go into the foster care system. Obviously, my mom had left me the house so I was fighting for the right of custody for the boys because I would be eighteen that December and it was early September.

Then, the most amazing thing happened. Jesse's mother and father stepped in and got temporary guardianship over me, Cam, Jason and Ryan until I turned eighteen. Jesse was going to a Police Training Academy within the area, and still lived at home, so his parents agreed to let us stay in our house with daily checkups and stuff, and you know what?

The routine became normal. And normal felt good.