Day Four.
How do I put today into words? Maybe with the adventure we had first. Caine told us we were going on some nature walk and it seemed like it was going to be a mostly chill adventure. Zooble didn't want to go on the adventure at first, but I convinced them after I genuinely listened about their body dysmorphia. Zooble seemed genuinely grateful that I was listening to them, and it made me feel happy to finally kinda relate to a character in this digital hell.
Then we started the adventure, which started out very peaceful. But as time progressed, I noticed Jax looking more distraught than normal, same with the beginning of the day when he was pacing back and forth (I still don't know what THAT was about). So I wanted to check up on him, but he claimed he was fine and made me feel stupid for even trying to comfort him. But...that's also when we noticed that we were left behind from the group.
We started walking, hoping to catch up with them, but to no avail. I was starting to get frustrated, and Jax was as well, but that wasn't until we heard Kinger's scream, which came from the forest (but we didn't fully know that yet). We were running, thinking that we were finally getting close to the group, only for me to realize this path has been one big circle the entire time, almost like the path was warping as time progressed.
We made up our mind to go into the forest, only to realize the practical death trap that place was. The thorns and branches can easily tear open our digital skin, making this glitchy stuff come out. We figured that out when a branch cut open my arm, though Jax assured me that Caine could easily fix it. But I swore I heard some form of concern lacing his tone, but I digress.
Soon we ran into Gangle, and then Kinger. After a while, we were reunited with the rest of our friends and we started walking again to a potential exit within that digital forest. That's when I heard something that made me suddenly panic: Jax screamed. Like, an agony-filled scream. I turned around and saw him clutching his side in pain as he fell to the floor.
THEN Caine decided to appear and end the adventure, healing Jax's hip and my arm. Though, Jax was still unconscious from the sudden jolt of pain he probably felt earlier, which may have been a shock to his system since I doubt these people have felt physical pain in a long time (at least, that's my theory). Caine chose me to carry Jax to his room, and I placed him on his bed and everything. So...needless to say, today was way too eventful for my liking and basically an emotional rollercoaster. God, I hope tomorrow will be better.
My eyes glanced at the writing that filled one and a half pages of my journal. Just looking at it made me realize how eventful today was compared to the other three days I've been here. From "collecting colorful boxes" and forced into being Jax's partner, to capture the flag and being a part of Jax, Pomni, and Ragatha's team, and lastly from the amusement park where Jax followed me basically the entire time, today was a lot more eventful, which made me wonder why Caine decided to do a "real" adventure from the other games we did before. Unless there is no meaning and I'm overthinking everything.
Though, one question was ever-present in my head, no matter how many times I tried to ignore it: Do I care about Jax? I mean, I must care a little bit to have such an overreaction to Jax being in pain. Sure, the others seemed shocked and distraught, but they didn't look like they had genuine fear like I did.
Knowing Jax though, I doubt he will mention that moment or even talk about it at all unless somebody else mentions it first. But even if they did mention it, parts of me feel like he would shrug it off and pretend he was fine, even if it was obvious he wasn't. I also have another question though, and it's one I will never admit or ask openly but...do I still want to be enemies with him?
It's one question that's been circling in my mind ever since the amusement park during the Ferris Wheel, where Jax seemed almost...upset from this whole predicament within this digital world. It made me feel bad for him, but I knew I couldn't do anything to help him when it came to his problems. Secretly, it kind of made me feel useless. Sure, we chide one another and tease, but is this truly hatred, or did we force ourselves to believe we hated one another?
Maybe this is why I reacted so...afraid when it seemed like he was genuinely in pain. I didn't want to see that--I doubt anybody did. But his painful scream, it was something that continued to replay in my head. But he was fine now, Caine healed his wound. So I knew I should stop thinking about it and just let it be. He healed him, and now he's getting the rest he finally deserves after such an event-packed day. So why was I still worrying?
Though, maybe this is why I never trusted myself alone in a room with my own thoughts, even back in the real world. My thoughts always got the better of me and made me feel choked up and suffocating...even if I knew this was all in my head and something that probably shouldn't affect me this much.
With a sigh, I placed my journal back inside the drawer I usually kept it. My eyes darted over to the F/C themed bed that was in the corner of my room and I flopped down on it, a soft groan emitting from my lips. I was tired, I knew that with 100% certainty, but for some weird reason, my body wasn't that tired. But my mind was. So it made it practically impossible to fall asleep, even though throughout the adventure I've been fucking preaching about getting an ounce of sleep. It just seemed impossible.
My eyes fluttered closed, hoping to get an ounce of sleep, or even rest from how eventful everything was, but to no avail. So, at this point I've completely given up on sleep, which made my legs swing over my bed and plant my feet firmly on the F/C themed carpet. I walked over to the door and opened it slowly and then closing the door softly behind me as I left my bedroom.
I started walking out of the dormitory hallway, and completely outside of the circus tent in general. My eyes darted towards the digital lake, the destination I was aiming for, mainly because of how peaceful nighttime was and how beautiful water was during the night. I went over to the lake and sat down in front of it while curling my legs close to my chest as I wrapped my arms around my legs, placing my chin on top of my kneecaps.
My eyes swam along the beautiful lines of this digital pond, even if it wasn't real water. It gave me an odd sense of tranquility, even though I knew all of this was digital and--well--fake. I looked up at the stars in the deep blue sky, a soft smile formed on my face while I thought about other things besides the events of today for a change.
Like how pretty the digital world was at nighttime, even if it was all fabricated, and how real my reflection looked as I stared down at the lake, watching the ripples of the water bounce off one another. It was truly peaceful with every sense of the word.
"Y/N?" A voice gasped, suddenly jolting me out of my thoughts and making me turn around to see who called out to me.
Gangle. She had her ribbon arms wrapped around a sketch book and pencil while she looked at me, probably shocked that she saw me here instead of back in my room like where the others probably were after this long day. "What are you doing here?" She took a seat next to me while she asked her question.
I shrugged. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought coming out here will help calm my mind down so I could attempt to fall asleep before tomorrow's adventure. What about you? Aren't you tired?"
A soft sigh left her mouth from my question. "A bit. But I haven't gotten any time to draw today...so I thought now would be the perfect time without anybody like Jax breaking my mask, or without Caine disrupting me in the middle of drawing. I chose this place to go to because of how peaceful it looks out here. I just didn't expect somebody to already be here."
"Oh...well, if you want me to go so you can get a peaceful environment for drawing, I can," I offered her, but she shook her head.
"N-No...you can stay. You aren't somebody that would personally bother me or anything. Besides, even though you're new here and all, I like it when you're around. So you don't need to leave or anything. Stay for as long as you would like, I don't mind." She opened up her journal carefully while holding her pencil and started drawing. Or more accurately, continuing a sketch she seemed to be working on.
A light smile was on my face as I turned my eyes back to looking at the night sky and pond. The only noise I really heard was Gangle's pencil scribbling on her sketch pad in front of her. Though, the silence was disturbed by a question that she started asking me. "...How much do you care about Jax?"
My heart skipped a beat from her sudden and very blunt question, which made me turn around to face her. "Hm? What made you ask this so suddenly?"
"Well...it's mainly because of the ending of our adventure this afternoon. You seemed actually panicked and extremely worried for him, even though he would obviously be fine with the help of Caine. Even when Caine showed up, you looked super shaken up. Plus, this morning Caine had you get Jax from his room and after the adventure Caine had you pick up Jax and put him in his room. Why was it specifically you besides the fact you two hang out the most during our past more tame adventures? It made no sense to me or the others." She was still drawing while asking me that lengthy question, not glancing up from her sketch book once.
How do I answer that truthfully without giving her the wrong impression or something? But...maybe I should stop overthinking every question somebody asks me and just let my heart speak for me before I go insane, like I normally do when somebody questions me. "...Well, I guess I care about him a lot. Through the countless bickering and arguing we've done for the past four days when I first arrived here, at first I thought I hated him. Then...as time progressed, certainly with this adventure alone, I realized I care about him more than I originally realized. So, to answer your question with a simple response, I do care about him a lot. Maybe Caine knew that, which is why he continued having me associate myself with Jax, when Caine probably knows how much everybody else hates him."
Gangle hummed thoughtfully after my heartfelt explanation before she started speaking again. "That's sweet. I don't know what you entirely see in Jax when it comes to how much you care about him, but if you have that one person you care about here, it makes living here not so bad. Well...unless they abstract. But we don't need to think about that right now. The point is, since you've found that one person you care about a lot, never lose that part of you. The part that cares for another person here, even if something bad happens to them. Never let it get to you. It's...all a part of growing and changing as a person, even with this whole digital obstacle in your way. Ah...sorry for talking so much. You can go back to what you were doing before."
I waved my hand dismissively. "No, no...you're fine. I...needed to hear that, actually. So thank you, Gangle."
A smile appeared on her face. "You're welcome...just remember what I said, okay? Never stop caring. Even if this world feels against us sometimes."
Trust me, Gangle...I'll always remember that.
~~~
Wow...this chapter was longer than I thought it would be for a simple chapter that was more realization yet emotion driven than usual. But I actually really like how this chapter turned out, even if it probably isn't perfect. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, since it was actually super fun to write overall. Have an amazing rest of your day/night!
-Sincerely, CB
