Standing By-an Avi Kaplan fanfic

Chapter 13: Train Wreck

  I wake in a strange room, lying on big poofy comforters quite unlike my own. I sit up, taking in my surroundings, and finally come to the conclusion that I am in a hotel room.
I'm confused, then I hear Avi's muffled voice from the bathroom. This must be his suite, I think, then wonder why I'm here.
I listen closely and catch bits and pieces of what he's saying. "...So sorry, Mrs. McAllister. Yes... She broke down... With me... Out of it since yesterday... Drop her off once she gets up and calms down."
Then, I remember. Dylan.
Avi emerges from the bathroom a moment later, sees me hunched over and crying, and rushes over to me, putting his phone down on the dresser. "Hey," he says quietly, gently grabbing my shoulders. "Hey, it's okay."
"It's not!" I shriek wildly, pushing him away and covering my face with my hands. "It's all my fault, I should've been the one to die, I survived, I should've taken the worst of the hit, my life is worthless!" I rattle aimlessly, continuing to find everything and anything to blame myself for, crying harder, backing away from. "He had so much to live for! He had a perfect future ahead of him!" I yell, exaggerating my arm movements to prove my point. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everything. I start shaking in anger.
Avi's face is pained. He tries to reason with me. "Ruby, please, it's not your fault―"
"SHUT UP! DON'T SAY ANOTHER GODDAMN WORD, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS!" I scream, and Avi's green eyes widen in surprise, his expression hurt. He reels back at my sharp words.
I clamp my mouth shut and gasp. "I-I'm sorry, Avi, I didn't mean... I..."
He looks away and shakes his head. "No, you're right," he mutters. "I don't know anything." He gets up and grabs his jacket.
"Avi, I'm sorry, don't go―" I plead, scrambling off the bed and trying to grab his arm, but it's no use.
He's out the door, slamming it behind him, leaving me alone in the hotel room.

I'm an emotional wreck.
Grief and sadness overpowers me and I fall to the ground, more angry than anything. I'm angry at myself for Dylan's death, for hurting Avi's feelings, and for ruining everything. Every thought I have is negative.
I keep apologizing to everyone and everything over and over in my head. I pity myself―I don't deserve this. First my parents, now Dylan, and I might lose Avi, too. If I were him, I wouldn't return to a disturbed, crazy, screaming girl like myself. I don't make his life any better; I'm a mess.
I go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face, trying to get myself together. I take a few deep breaths, leaning on the sink for support. I can't bring myself to look in the mirror... I can't face myself.
  What have I done?