Not A Game | Phan AU

Take It All Back | XII

Phil

I felt so useless. I had done that to him and now he hated me. How? How could I have not seen just how much I was hurting that beautiful boy? So much that he actually thought he could achieve something by killing himself?

I'd whittled away at his being, carving all his walls out so everything affected him. Every little thing no matter how mean. I made his own brain rebel against him to tell him how useless he was when he wasn't.

I'd broken him.

So I broke myself, simply to try and feel as much pain he had. I swallowed the pills hoping to never wake up so Dan could live a safe life without me to worry about. That's all I wanted was for him to be happy.

He couldn't be happy with me here it just wasn't possible. I'd hurt him so much he tried to take away his life. He tried to destroy the most precious thing he'd ever received and that thought really struck home.

I didn't want to hurt him anymore and that was purely impossible with me alive. So that's why I did it. That's why I tried to kill myself.

You wanted the truth?

Take it.

I love him and I'm such a terrible, disgusting person for doing this to him and if I could, I'd take it all back.