The Middle | Hemmings + Styles AU

30. pizza and donuts

I'm not sure how I made it through the rest of the work day. I'd never thought I'd say this but thankfully Louis was there because I was pretty useless all day.

There was this weird feeling in the pit of the stomach that felt like nerves and it was stuck there from the moment I received Luke's message until I left work. The nerves kept turning over and over again, and to be honest, it was almost enough to make me chicken out.

But on the drive over to his house - between the end of a Bon Jovi song and the start of Take Me To Church - I realised that I wasn't just nervous. I was excited.

I'd missed Luke's face, and the way he bit his lip. I'd missed the way he'd laugh and say Stella, and I missed being around him and feeling like I was always laughing or smiling. And to think that I'd only just saw him yesterday.

Somewhere, a less love-sick version of me was rolling her eyes, as I drove the rest way with a big dopey grin on my face. Once I was parked outside his house, I listened to the rest of the Hozier song that was playing on the radio and then stormed up to to the front door.

Two knocks and a torturous few seconds later, Luke opened the door wearing a white t-shirt and black skinny jeans. He let me inside without a word, and then there was that awkward moment where I wasn't sure if I should sit down on the lounge or if we'd go to his room.

"My mum's not home," he said, and I took that as a sign to sit down on the lounge. "Do you want a drink or anything?"

Some vodka would be great. "No, I'm fine, thanks."

He nodded and then sat down next to me. For the first time between us, it was incredibly quiet and uncomfortable. I looked around the living room, squinting over at the photos hanging on the cream walls. 

Last time I was here, I noticed the black and white one of Luke on stage. He'd told me Liz had taken it at one of their first shows and it seemed to completely encapsulate the person who Luke was: gentle, hard-working, passionate, and occasionally, a little awkward.

I looked at the photo for a moment longer and realised how silly this was. This was Luke, and we didn't do uncomfortable silences. "I'm really sorry about yesterday," we said simultaneously. Laughter followed, and I relaxed, knowing this was going to go okay.

"I'm sorry," I said again.

"Me too."

"Do you want to talk first?" I asked, hoping he'd say yes so I'd have longer to gather my thoughts.

"You can," Luke encouraged, pushing my feelings right into the spotlight.

"Okay. I," I paused, wishing I'd given more thought into exactly what I was going to say to him. "I really like you. A lot. On my way over here I was, like, stupidly excited to see you. I know I only saw you yesterday but I missed you. And if that's not a sign of something good, I don't know what is."

As I was speaking, Luke's smile started to grow. "I love the way it's so easy between us and how you make me laugh, and how dorky you can be sometimes." He took my hand in his, running his thumb gently over my knuckles in a way that was comforting. "I think that's why I was so freaked out yesterday. What we have now just works. I'm scared of ruining it."

I wished I could have elaborated further and explain why I was scared, except I couldn't figure that part out either. It wasn't like I'd come from a broken home or grown up with bad relationships around me. My parents were the perfect example that true love could last a lifetime, as long as there was respect and honestly and a desire to work hard for it.

When Luke finally started speaking, it was nothing like I'd expected to hear. "I wish I could tell you that there's nothing to be scared about, but I don't want to lie to you either. It is scary, Stella. I'm scared too. I could walk out on stage and play to a crowd of fifty thousand people and I don't think I'd be scared for a second," he paused, and I knew he was imagining the day his band might get that chance. "But putting yourself out there, and giving your heart to someone? That's terrifying."

He was still holding my hand but it wasn't comforting anymore. Luke was right, this was terrifying and I didn't know if I was ready for that. It all comes so easily in movies and books. It's so dishonest for people like me. Do people like that really exist? People that can happily start dating someone without the fear of crushing each other's dreams or breaking each other's hearts?

I remember in high school, sex seemed like the biggest deal ever. Some days it felt like it was all anyone spoke about. Maybe - using my very limited sexual knowledge here - maybe sex is the easy part. It felt to me like it was the easy part. Putting your heart in the palm of someone's hand and letting them read your feelings like an open book, that's what I imagined it to feel like to be truly naked.

God, now I was sounding like Olivia.

We sat quietly for a while longer, but it wasn't uncomfortable like before. We were both taking the time to figure out what was going on in our heads. Sometimes being careful with your words is more important than filling a silence.

"I really like you, and I'd honestly hate to lose you as my friend." I said slowly. "I think that's actually the reason I'm so freaked out. I'd hate for us to start dating and it not work out. I'd never want to lose you as my friend." I sighed. It felt like we were going around in circles and I hated that I was the one that kept spinning us. "I'm sorry I'm being so weird about this."

"I really like you too, Stel," Luke answered, licking his lips as he smiled. "How about we just forget all of this? Forget what happened yesterday and forget this conversation. We'll hang out like we usually do and while I'm on tour, we can both do some thinking about what we want."

And there it was. The most logical thought that if I wasn't so busy freaking out, I might have thought of myself. Not only would the time apart give us time to think, but it would almost be a test-run of what our relationship would be like.

If there was one thing I was sure of right now, it was that Luke would be going on the road more and more. The screaming girls and the groupies never bothered me before, but it might once we began dating. Maybe this is what we needed to know if this was worth fighting for. So, I nodded. "I'd like that."

Luke smiled, "Me too. Now, let's order a pizza and go over our setlist for the tour. I'd like your expert opinion."

"If it's my expert opinion you're after, you can't just buy me with pizza," I teased. "I'll need donuts too." 

ugh this chapter was so hard for me to write because lella are usually so playful and stuff. hella shippers... watch out