emotions (phan)

prologue

It was easy.

Living in a world where all humans had an emotions switch, it was easy.

You didn't have to deal with the sadness, anger, heartbreak, jealousy, fear or guilt.

You could just close your eyes, flip the switch, and it's like every little feeling is torn away from you all at once. When you open your eyes again, there's nothing. It's like a puppet having its strings ripped off.

I had turned off my emotions long ago, when he left me.

"I don't love you anymore, Dan! I can't keep pretending!"

"What are you talking about?" I whimpered, my hands trembling. I reached out but he backed away. "We've been fine, we are fine-"

"I'm in love with someone else!" The boy in front of me shouted. He, who was my first kiss, my first love, my first time. "You're worthless to me. You never meant anything to me, and you never will."

"PJ, it's been four years, you can't mean that-" I begged, hurrying towards him and grabbing at his arm. He turned to me, the once green eyes I loved now dull and cold.

"I mean all of it!" He spat. I winced and removed my hand from his arm, gazing at him with wide eyes as if he had just slapped me. And honestly, he might as well had.

I didn't understand. PJ had been so caring, so sweet, so full of emotions, and now it's like he switched them off.

I could switch mine off.

The boy glared at me and snatched his coat, angrily slipping it on with a huff of annoyance, and stormed out of my flat then slamming the door behind him. We talked about getting married, having a family. . . What had I done wrong?

I was alone all over again.

I dropped to my knees, letting out a sob and clutching my chest. I tugged at my hair as tears fell from my eyes down my cheeks, my chest heaving as I struggled to breathe. It felt like every whimper and whine that tumbled from my lips took another dose of my lasting happiness with it.

I don't have to feel like this. I don't have to feel anything.

I rose on wobbly feet, sniffling, looking out at the window at the now empty spot where his car used to park.

Slowly, my eyes shut. Every emotion I had ever felt flashed before my eyes.

When I opened my eyes, it was just an empty dark room, no more sobs or shifting on the carpet floor- complete silence.

I no longer felt heartbreak. I no lover felt dread. I no longer felt insecure, or self-pity, or loneliness.

I didn't feel anything.

I didn't feel emotions.