emotions (phan)

thirteen

"It's been two days since you've talked to Phil, I think you should try again," Chris suggested.

I shook my head. "It's no use. I try to but he just pushes me away."

"Because he's scared of being hurt again," Chris hissed. I rolled my eyes, throwing my santa hat down. "You don't just tell someone you won't hurt them, you show them."

"Well I can't get near him without him running, and I'm sure as hell not writing him a letter- this isn't The Notebook."

"Look, if you can't tell him you care about him to his face, you could at least tell him on a sheet of paper. Or, you know, you could just live the rest of your life watching Phil hang out with Dean-"

"Damon," I corrected.

"Whatever. With Damon, while you sit on your ass emotionless for the rest of your life."

I exhaled, running my hands across my face stressfully. "I'll give it to him tonight- Damon should be gone by then."

Chris and I then left to go to PJ's funeral, going in tuxedos. After PJ's parents spoke Chris decided to go up to the podium. He looked straight at me, his eyes watering, until he looked back at the crowd.

"Hi, I'm Chris. I was- am PJ's best friend. You're probably wondering why I corrected myself there. Well, it's because death does not end relationships. It ends lives, yeah, but dead or not, I remain loyal and stick to my promises. Even if he's gone I'll keep his secrets, remember the flaws and great parts about him."

I nodded numbly, tears threatening to slip down my cheeks. "I met Peej in elementary. He then introduced me to Dan and we became the best of friends. We still are," he smiled sadly, winking halfheartedly at me. I flashed him a grin. "Cancer sucks. It took my mother, and now it took my best friend. I guess PJ smoked to get rid of all the internal pain he was facing, letting that small little thing do so much to him. But in a way, we're all like cigarettes to a smoker when we find someone we love. We become addicted, and when we get in a fight we promise ourselves we won't ever go back to them again, but the next night you're unable to stop thinking about how much you want them. We give such a little thing like love have so much power against us- we give people our hearts and hope they won't break it, we give people our trust and hope people won't betray it, and we give people our lives and hope they won't end it."

"Personally, I hate the fact that the world has an emotions switch. We could flip them off, and we give that switch the power to do anything it wants. That switch takes our friends away from us, our happiness, our feelings. That's exactly what happened to PJ when he found out- he flipped the switch. When he turned it back on, I was there- I saw it all happen. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again he was completely different. He took one look at me and broke down sobbing in my arms, apologizing over and over. And the apologies weren't even necessarily directed towards me- they were aimed for everybody and everything he had ever hurt. He was sad for days, and he considered flipping the switch back off several times. After awhile of dealing with the guilt and pain for some time though, he began to become stronger. PJ was the strongest person I have ever met, even with stage four cancer- his smile never left his face."

I felt another emotion. Anger.

I was angry because he was so young, but death decided to shake his hand anyway. It didn't even let him stay for Christmas.

He didn't get married, he didn't have a kid, he didn't get a new car, he didn't get his own house, he didn't get to travel the world, he didn't get a pet, he died lonely. And I was so goddamn angry that death was so selfish.

"PJ knew that if his smile dropped, so would everybody else's. He was kind of like the sun- without it, the world would be dark if it weren't for goofy smile of his. If PJ was laughing, everybody joined in too. It was a contagious grin, one that made everybody giddy just by glancing at him. No, he didn't get to enjoy Christmas, but he did in Heaven. And I hope he's happy up there, or wherever he is. Thank you."

He stumbled down and sat down next to me, the two of us staying quiet the rest of the funeral until it was over. We drove back to my dorm in silence and went back to the house, hobbling inside.

"That was a great speech, Chris." I complimented. He just gave me a simple nod, looking back down and going to his room. I didn't push it any farther, going to my desk and beginning to write the letter.

I then checked the time, seeing it was midnight. I went out my dorm and walked down the stairs, placing the letter on Phil's doormat.

I turned, beginning to go back up stairs when I saw Phil's car pull up. I hid behind a bush and watched the vehicle, but it wasn't Phil who was driving. Damon got out, stumbling over and chuckling.

"I told you not to drink too much," Phil told him. Damon shook it off, taking his hand and leaning him against the car. My eyes widened. What was he doing?

They began talking but it was too quiet for me to hear, yet I continued spying.

Without warning, Damon placed his hand on Phil's jawline, brushing his fringe out of his face.

I tensed up, wanting to look away, wanting to run out and stop whatever was about to happen.

I gasped, stumbling back when I felt an emotion hit me hard.

I clutched my chest, squeezing my eyes shut. It was love.

But when I climbed back up and looked over the bush again, my heart was ripped out and smashed to a million pieces once I saw Damon's lips on Phil's. I stood up and began running, not even caring if the two boys heard me.

"Dan?" Phil called out. I didn't turn, I ran and ran up those stupid stairs, tears streaming down my face like an overflowing river. I love him. I knew it. I knew this would happen. I fell for him and he turned on me- this is what I get for letting my emotions come back. "Dan! Wait!"

I ran into the dorm, slamming the door shut behind me and began punching it furiously. "Goddammit!" I shouted, beating the pale white door until my knuckles were bleeding with splinters. Chris rushed out and grabbed my hands, forcing me to stay still.

"Dan? What happened?" Chris breathed.

I dropped to my knees, the pain in my heart overpowering the pain in my hands. I looked up at him before whispering,

"I'm alone all over again."