emotions (phan)

fourteen

"He didn't mean it," Chris insisted. I shook my head.

"Then why didn't he push Damon away? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he pull away-"

"Because that's how he is. He's too nice, you should know that. Besides, you're being selfish- you're that one that hurt Phil."

I rolled my eyes. "Gee, thanks."

"Dan, all I'm saying is that you should talk to Phil about it first before making assumptions."

"I gave him my letter, I'll wait till he reads it."

"It's been a week. I don't think he's read it, and if he did he must've thrown it away."

I shook my head, annoyed. "What the hell should I do then, Chris?" I groaned.

"Go talk to him like a grown man and quit acting like you're a five year old girl writing a Valentine's card to her crush in preschool."

I shoved him playfully. "Fine, what time is it?"

"Almost midnight. Phil should still be up," I nodded, chewing on my bottom lip. "You can do this, alright?" He pat my back. I exhaled a shaky breath, fidgeting with my sweatshirt sleeves.

I tugged my beanie down, giving him a nod before leaving my dorm. I trudged downstairs, seeing the letter wasn't on the doormat. Somebody must've taken it.

I fixed my hair before knocking. The door opened up, exposing Phil. Without warning, he threw his arms around me, hugging me so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe. But God, his arms felt more like home than those four walls in that old dorm ever have.

I felt happy. Happiness.

I felt it click. I'm happy! I'm happy! Phil Lester is hugging me!

As I was about to pull away he pulled me closer, nudging his head into my neck. I rest my chin on his hair, sighing. He soon pulled away, his eyes watering. "I'm sorry; I had to do that."

"Don't apologize," I replied.

"Do you want to come inside?" Phil offered. I looked behind him.

"Is Damon here?" I asked him. Phil shook his head and I walked inside, Phil shutting the door behind me.

He went in the kitchen to make me some coffee and came back out with two mugs. He handed me one and sat down next to me, the two of us deathly silent before I spoke.

"Why?" My voice shook.

He looked at me. "Why what?"

"Why did you kiss him?"

Phil gulped. "Dan, I didn't know you were there. You ran away right when I pulled away from him. We were both slightly intoxicated- him more than me. I wasn't thinking, and you know what alcohol can do to you. You and I aren't together anyway. I'm allowed to date other men."

I gulped. "I️ don't wanna hear this." I stood up and set my mug down.

"Then why the hell did you come over?" Phil growled, slamming his mug down. I winced. "You come into my dorm, ask questions, then leave because you don't like the answers?"

"I wanted to see if you read it," I murmured, my hands shaking.

"Read what?" Phil furrowed his eyebrows. I shook my head.

"Either you're lying or you didn't get it-"

"Dan, what did I not read?" Phil repeated. I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with my sleeves.

I took a deep breath. "I wrote you a letter."

Phil was quiet. He got onto his knees closer until he was right in front of my face, but my eyes stayed locked on my hands. Phil took my hands, moving them to my sides and forcing me to look at him. "You wrote me a letter?" He asked softly. I nodded. "When?"

"The same night Damon kissed you. I put it on your doormat."

Phil blinked. "I didn't see it."

I was confused first, but my eyes widened. "Did Damon go in the house first?"

"Uh. . . I had to get leftover food out of my car while he went inside, so yeah. Why?" I clenched my fists, my body filling with rage. Phil noticed my anger, raising an eyebrow at me. "What is it?"

I ignored him, walking around and opening the door. "I'm gonna kill him," I growled under my breath. Phil grabbed my sleeve.

"Dan! What are you doing?" Phil questioned. I didn't turn.

"He's sabotaging us," I replied. Phil let go of my sleeve, tilting his head. "He took that letter. Maybe he still has it, maybe he doesn't, but I wrote that letter for you."

I began storming over to my car when Phil shut the door behind him. "Wait!" I looked at him. "I'm coming with you."

I shook my head. "Phil, this isn't something you wanna see-"

"I'm coming with you, and that's final." Phil responded through gritted teeth. I let out a sigh of defeat. We walked to my car and Phil told me where Damon lived and I sped there, stepping out of the car after parking outside his house. I walked up to his door, Phil following suit, and knocked harshly.

Damon opened the door, confused. "Where is it?" I snarled. His eyes darted to Phil before looking back at me.

"What are you talking about? Who are you?"

"Dan Howell," I forced a polite smile. I wiped it off my face, picking him up by his shirt and pinning him against the door. "Now where the hell is it?"

"Dan-" Phil began to protest.

"Get offa me! What the hell are you on about?" Damon growled.

"The letter! I know you took it!"

Damon's shock was replaced with a cocky grin. "You'll have to find that yourself."

I let go of him, using all self control I had left to not kill him, only shoving him.

"Dan, it's fine, we don't need the letter," Phil attempted.

"Give me the goddamn letter,"

"Why? Phil's better with me. You broke his heart. You're oblivious to the way he feels, it'll only reopen wounds if he reads that stupid letter. If anything I'm making his life better with you not in it," Damon spat. "You don't deserve him and you never will," I put my arms to my sides, loosening my grip.

I turned to look at Phil.

"Dan, let's just go home, okay? I love you, not him," Phil murmured, tugging at my sleeve. "This isn't worth it."

We began to walk away when Damon spoke up. "You're making the wrong decision, Phil! I treated you well! I didn't hurt you! I never hurt you. He doesn't love you, he's just screwing with your emotions so he can get his back! He doesn't care about you- not the way I do."

I shook my head. "That's not true."

"Just give us the letter," Phil chimed in.

Damon grunted, storming back inside and coming out with the letter. He shoved it into Phil's hands, his eyes watering. "Take it, I'm done trying to help you. When he breaks your heart and you come crying to me, I won't let you inside." And with that, he walked back inside, slamming the door after him.

After driving back home, Phil took my letter out, and I watched anxiously as he read it. After reading it, he set it down, no emotion readable on his face. He turned to me, climbing over me and hovering above me. My eyes widened.

He pressed his lips to mine, but it wasn't rough nor sexy, it was a passionate kiss- a reassuring one that everything would be okay. I kissed back, placing my hands on his hips.

And then I felt it.

The last emotion. Joy. But that wasn't all.

I felt everything.