emotions (phan)

nine

I woke up to kisses being pressed all over my face. I opened my eyes, giggling when I saw Phil.

"Morning."

"Hi," I grinned. Memories from last night appeared in my head and I shuddered. After our shower, we got dressed and went back to bed. Thank god I don't have work today, I don't think I'll be walking right.

I pressed my lips against his again, putting my hand to the back of his neck. We paused when somebody knocked at my door.

"Who the hell is that?" Phil blinked. I shrugged.

"Probably some college nerd trying to sell cookies," I joked. Phil laughed as I climbed out of bed. I slipped on Phil's shirt and my bottoms, trudging to the door.

When I opened it, my eyes widened and any sentence I was planning on saying had disappeared.

PJ stood in front of me, a black shirt, leather jacket and tight skinny jeans on.

"P-PJ," I stuttered, backing up slightly.

"Who is it?" Phil called from my bedroom. PJ raised an eyebrow.

"Nobody!" I replied nervously. I looked back at PJ. "How did you find me?"

He smirked. "I have my sources."

I growled. "What the hell do you want? Stalking me isn't gonna get you any closer to me."

"To talk. Please. They're letting me out for a few hours. We can go somewhere in public if you want to, I just want to explain-"

"Dan, what's taking so l-" Phil started but cut himself off when he walked in the room with my bed sheets wrapped around him.

"Who are you?" Phil trailed up behind me. I stiffened.

"PJ," he smiled, reaching his hand out. "Nice to meet y-"

My ex was cut off with a hard slap to his right cheek from Phil. I stepped back as PJ's head turned to the side. PJ cleared his throat and looked back at him. "I'm guessing you've heard of me before then."

"You're damn right I did! What the hell are you doing here?" Phil cried. I put a hand on Phil's shoulder, trying to calm him.

"Phil, calm down-"

"Dan and I saw each other at the hospital, I wanted to see him again."

Phil's eyes widened and he furrowed his eyebrows at me. "But you told me you made it clear you didn't want to see him- why is he here?"

"I wanted to give him a goodbye kiss, but since you're h-"

Phil cut PJ off and looked at me. "He's mine."

"Is he really? He doesn't even love you, it's not possible."

"Just go, PJ," I snapped my gaze to the curly-haired boy.

"Why didn't you tell him to leave us alone? We were fine until he showed up," Phil complained. "We made love last night, this isn't fair. Are you just using me? Am I the one that's meaningless now?"

"He didn't-"

"I can't be with you if he's gonna be popping up in between us. I had kissed you with his venom still in your head."

Phil stomped into my bedroom and gathered his clothes, pushing past me and out the door. I shoved PJ out of the way and grabbed Phil's arm. "Phil, it wasn't like that! You're not thinking right, please just wait. I c-c-ca-" I care. I couldn't push the word out. "C-" I exhaled.

"You can't even say it," Phil scoffed. "Let go of me, Dan."

"You said you'd be there for me," I told him. His eyes watered.

"That was before you treated me like a toy," he whispered. "Now let go of me." We made eye contact, and I slowly let go of his arm. He stared at me after I let go before turning and rushing down the stairs. I stood with my arm still outstretched, watching him run until his figure disappeared and I heard his door slam shut.

"Maybe it's better this way," PJ mumbled behind me. "You'll keep your emotions off now."

I turned on my heel to face him. "What do you want from me? Is this what you wanted? What you craved? To see me hurt and him leave me?" I growled. He gestured his head towards my dorm and we went inside. He sat down on my couch and sighed.

"Do you remember when we first met?" PJ questioned. I nodded.

"It was at a college party. How romantic," I replied sarcastically.

"There's more to it. We both met outside because we didn't like being around so many people. We were slightly drunk, so we ended up telling each other everything about ourselves. We both cried on each other that night."

"Why are you telling me this, I-"

PJ cut me off. "And then I looked up at you and wiped your tears away, and then I kissed you."

"PJ, we were drunk and hormonal. We were teenagers." He ignored me.

"The next day we were in gym class and the coach made us run the track in the rain. You ended up slipping and falling in the mud, and when everybody else went back inside, we skipped class and ended up having a mud fight."

I looked up at him. "And then I kissed you in the rain, even with all the mud we were covered in," I finished. He nodded, a small smile on his face.

"Dan, ever since I met you at that stupid party I've been in love with you. Even after I turned off my emotions, saying those things to you broke my heart because my love for you was too strong to turn off. I love the way you smile, the way you laugh at my jokes, that way you'd constantly fix your hair, the way you'd drop all the cereal bowls you ate from because of your butterfingers, the way you'd cuddle up against me during a horror movie when you got scared- I miss making you happy. I want to make you happy again." He coughed slightly.

I shook my head. "No, PJ-"

"I know I couldn't make you happy anyway. I'm dying, Dan. Like I said, I've only got a month left- and I know you care about Phil. You can go talk to him and I'll go, I just wanted to. . ." he cut himself off with a cough. "To tell you-" He coughed again. "That-" He put his hand to his mouth and hacked violently, but when he pulled away, our eyes widened.

He had coughed up blood into the palm of his hand.

"PJ?" I breathed in, looking at him. He gazed at me before falling off my couch and hitting the ground. "PJ, no!" I snatched my phone out my pocket and called for an ambulance, putting his head on my lap. His eyes were slowly shutting. "Hey! Don't close your eyes, look at me! Just look at me, okay? Keep looking at me."

He nodded weakly, blood still trailing from his chapped lips. "I want-ed to t-tell you that I-" he coughed again, blood spurting out of his mouth and his chest rising and falling rapidly.

"You're okay, alright? Everything's fine. . . Oh God, please don't leave me. Please don't go," I begged. His eyes slowly shut and I held his head, shaking his face. No response. "Peej? PJ!"

Paramedics came rushing through my door and I followed them out as they picked up PJ and set him on a gurney. I explained the problem to a paramedic as the rest pushed PJ into the back of the ambulance. I turned to see Phil looking straight at me, his eyes red and a coffee mug in his hand.

I opened my mouth to speak, but barely a squeak tumbled through my lips. He looked down before turning away, shutting the door behind him.

And that's when I felt it. That one emotion switching back on. Fear.

Fear that I would lose PJ. And fear that I would lose Phil.

I was fearful of the fact that I would lose them both forever if I didn't tell them how I really felt.