Our Eternal Ruin (Auslly)

28. Face your Fears

I held her tight all night. Later on when Dez came in I told him I was keeping her. With a smirk he told me he'd return with some fresh clothes. A year ago I wouldn't have picked him out of a crowd — now it felt like he was my best friend. And I owed it all to the girl sleeping in my arms.

~Austin~

I didn't have any nightmares, and by five in the morning, when the nurse checked on me again. I felt back to my old self.

Except for the fact that they moved the surgery forward. It was going to happen in less than five days. Which meant my time with Ally was now severely limited.

In six days I could be dead, and if I wasn't dead I'd either be in a coma or be sent home to die.

I told Dez I'd fight and I wanted to, but it was hard to be optimistic, so damn hard.

I prayed over and over again that I would be spared, not because I cared that much about my own life — but because I cared about hers.

Sleep wasn't happening, so by the time Dez stopped by with a duffel bag I was wide-eyed and ready for coffee — anything but those fucking pills they kept forcing down me.

"Sleeping still?" Dez whispered when he walked in.

"Like the dead."

"Not funny, man." Dez' voice hitched as he took a seat and put his head in his hands. "So not funny."

"Too soon?" I laughed.

"I can't..." Dez clenched his jaw and looked at me. "There are others more deserving of cancer, you know? That's what gets me. Why does it have to happen to people like you—? People who have such a bright future — why do you get cancer when mass murderers live their lives in jail getting to watch free HBO? I don't get it."

"I don't know, man." I sighed. "I can't explain it. I guess that's just what happens when we live. Nobody is promised anything. That's why life's so precious."

"It should have been me," Dez whispered so I almost couldn't hear him.

"Dez?"

"What?" He snorted. "Do you even realize that type of life I've led? The things I've done, what I've tried. The drugs? Sex? Girls? Stealing to get high? Shit, man, it should have been me. I would..." He choked on his words and looked away. "I would take your place. I just want you to know. If God told me that was my penance for living the shitty life I've lived, I'd take your place. I asked Him, hell, I begged last night, and you know what? Nothing. Silence."

"So live a better life," I snapped. "Do better. Be Better. Don't let my life be wasted. If I need to be sacrificed in order for you to get that, then that's fine. Just don't let it destroy you, let it renew you."

Dez sniffed. I could tell he was minutes away from losing it. Hell, I'd been that way all night. It hurt like hell to keep the tears in, to stay strong when the love of my life was lying against me crying in her sleep.

"How's my favorite patient?" The nurse walked into the room and grabbed the clipboard. "You ready for your MRI?"

No. Hell, no. I didn't want to know the truth. So I'd asked them not to tell me. If I was going to die I didn't want to know. I didn't want to go into surgery with the mindset of defeat.