Butterfly - BTS

Butterfly

{songs in multimedia for full immersion}

I'm afraid of being alone.

Not the dark, not bugs, not heights, but being alone.

I'm afraid of waking up, saying good morning, and only being greeted by silence. I'm afraid of cooking a meal and laying out multiple plates, but only using one. I'm afraid of thinking something funny and clever, but having no one to tell it to. I'm afraid of being sick and having no one take care of me. I'm afraid of having no one to lean on. I'm afraid of needing a ride, but calling a taxi instead. I'm afraid of being scared after watching a horror movie but having no one to comfort me. I'm afraid of taking on the weight of the world on my own shoulders.

In theory, I should be the first to go. I'm the eldest. In theory, I'll never be alone.

But things don't go according to plan, clearly.

Do you know what it's like to watch everyone around you die? Not all at once, but slowly, one by one. After a while, you start seeing people as walking time-bombs, not humans. You become paranoid and terribly afraid of who you're going to lose next. You start distancing yourself from others, because you know they're going to die anyways.

I watched all six of my closest friends die. Right in front of my eyes. None of them had peaceful deaths, either. I know when people find out that their loved one died, one of the first things they ask is whether he or she felt pain when he or she died. I didn't have to. I know they felt pain, both emotionally and physically. Their pain kept me up at nights for months on end. Months after their deaths, I was still afraid for them. Afraid that they would have to feel pain again. How much did it hurt when the water started filling up his lungs? How much did it hurt when the fire started melting his entirety? How much did it hurt when that car hit him, instantly breaking his bones and butchering his organs?

How much pain would I feel when I died? I ultimately became afraid of this too. I saw the painful deaths of my friends. Would I be begging for it to stop, regretting my choice for death, or would I be glad that I wouldn't be alone anymore?

Which would win, my fear for myself or my fear for others?