Butterfly - BTS

Chapter Eleven

You knew things were over when the hope died.

After Jimin's death, Hoseok's bright personality had been dampened dramatically. Though he was still slightly optimistic, it rarely showed through, and it was more for keeping us alive and well than coming from his heart. He would fake smiles and cheer us on, but I knew that he wasn't feeling it inside.

It was understandable. Jimin was his closest friend, the other passionate dancer. The two would always dance together, but after Jimin's death, I never saw Hoseok voluntarily dance again. He did when we had to learn new choreography, but even then, it was different. He didn't have the high energy, the fluidity, or the technique anymore. It was sloppy and messy and lazy.

Hoseok had been broken already, but Yoongi's death shattered him beyond repair.

Shortly after Yoongi's funeral, Hoseok couldn't sleep anymore. He'd go days without sleeping, and at night, I'd hear him crying. When I asked him about why he wasn't sleeping, he broke down. He couldn't sleep because whenever he closed his eyes, he saw Yoongi burning. He was afraid to sleep.

A month went by, and Hoseok had only slept for about a hundred hours. We got him sleeping pills, but he refused to sleep. His health was declining, and when he collapsed in the middle of dance practice, I knew his insomnia was ruining his health.

"Hoseok, you need to sleep," I said, grasping his shoulders with my large hands. "You have to."

"I can't," he replied miserably. "I see him. I see him burning."

"Staying awake forever won't help you," I insisted. "All you'll do is think about it more."

"But..." Hoseok's heavy eyelids blinked slowly. "I'm scared."

"Okay, Hobi, sleep now, and I'll wake you up if you look like you're having a nightmare, okay?"

Hoseok had nightmares. He had nightmares about fire taking Yoongi away, about fire taking everyone away. I woke him up quickly from his naps, and he would wake up crying every time, sometimes screaming.

After that, he refused to try to sleep again. He went about a week of five hour energies and gallons of coffee before finally passing out when we returned from a dance lesson. He slept for five hours, and I still watched over him in case he had nightmares. When he woke up, he said that he didn't.

Sleeping was safe for him now, and his body took that as a sign to start taking back the sleep it had lost.

Hoseok developed narcolepsy, and he became drowsy and tired all the time. He would fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, and it soon became a problem to that we would be recording and he would lose consciousness. Hoseok didn't mind though, since sleep was his new salvation.

"Do you take your medicine, Hope-ssi?" I asked one day, concerned about how much Hoseok was sleeping. "You shouldn't be falling asleep this much if you are."

"I don't have nightmares anymore," he explained, "so sleeping is better than being awake."

"Hobi, you don't have to sleep all the time though," I stated. "Don't you want to live, too? Sleeping must get boring."

"When I'm awake, I'm living the nightmares I used to have." His voice cracked. "I'm constantly reminded that they're all gone. Twitter, fancafe, it's everywhere. I want to live in a world where I don't have to remember, and sleep lets me do that."

"You still have to be awake more," I pressed. "You're barely awake to eat or use the bathroom."

"Look, sleep is how I'm coping with this," he admitted. "I can handle myself, Hyung. I just want to sleep."

I didn't think that when he said that, he meant that he wanted to sleep forever.