violet skies / michael clifford

"i need you, princess"

23. he needs you, jessa

I would always sit up front in class, pen in hand and ready to take notes. But not today. For the first time, I'm sitting as far back as possible, trying my best to sink down into the seat. If I could, I'd sink through the floor, too. All I want to do is disappear.

Michael's hoodie is good for hiding; it's big, and nobody really realises it's me under the bulky black thing. And it smells just like him.

We haven't spoken since I left him at the wedding reception. That was two weeks ago. Ever since, my days have consisted of nothing but struggling to get up and trying to survive. I miss him.

"I'm proud of you," Ashton says, hugging me from behind when classes are finally over.

"Why?"

"Because you got out of bed today."

People are flooding the hallways around us, but Ashton holds still. He's not at all bothered about how some of the guys are whistling or shouting at him to get some.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, and I'm not great at advice anyway. But if you change your mind, I'll listen."

"There's nothing to talk about," I say, shaking my head.

Ashton lets go of me. "I don't know how to act around Michael, knowing he's done something to upset you."

"Just act normal, he's done nothing wrong. It was me. I was the one who lied to him."

"And what about Luke?"

"He did the right thing."

The way to Ashton's house seems longer than ever. We walk in silence. I told Ashton I don't want to talk about it, but I'm trying to find a way to word the issue pestering my mind.

"You know that time I got kicked out of the bar for being underage?"

"Yeah?"

"Michael came after me."

"I know, I told him where you'd gone."

"Well, he came back home with me."

"Michael did what?" He looks at me, and his face has suddenly gone all sharp. "Did something happen? Did you– He didn't–"

"No," I say, shaking my head. "He wouldn't sleep with me."

"Sleep or like, sleep sleep?"

"Sleep, sleep." I look down, rubbing my wrists together awkwardly. "Does being upset about it make me seem stupid? I seem desperate, don't I?"

"No, you don't.You might feel like he doesn't want you, but what of he did it because he doesn't want to hurt you?"

"Well I guess I've messed it up, anyway."

"Do you miss him?"

"A lot. Is he okay?"

"Well, we had our first interview this week," Ashton says, "but he wasn't really saying much. And I don't think it was just nerves. He's been acting weird."

"What do you mean?"

"He dyed his hair." Ashton says, "He's been really easily annoyed. Kept raging at me when I messed up my drumming in the new songs. And last night he had three smoking breaks during band practice."

"Oh."

"What?"

"He does it when he's stressed out."

I know I probably shouldn't do it. But there is a part of me that is telling me that something is wrong, and that I have to check on him to make sure that he's okay.