She Penned my Dreams

Light and Love

Katie

It'd been a couple months since Spencer and I had gone to visit his mama. It's hard to believe, but things between Spencer and I were better than ever. He seemed lighter somehow, like a weight I hadn't even seen was relieved from his shoulders. I think the fact that I now knew his secret, knew his mother, and loved him still gave him a levity that he never thought he'd have.

He was almost childlike, he was so happy now. He always had the biggest grin on his face. He left me little notes, quotes and poems and sketches, all over the house. He chased me around the apartment, not caring if he knocked over chairs or towers of books. He brought me gifts, little trinkets or treats. He spoiled me, ridiculously.

I was concerned at first. I was afraid he was spoiling me because he was afraid I would leave if he didn't. But after I talked to him about it, he just smiled and said he loved me so much, he always wanted me to know it. And I did. Every second of every day, I was surrounded by the force of his love. And I was simply sunning myself in it.

His smiling, optimistic attitude was infectious. I had become accustomed to being the lighter of the two of us, but now, it was almost as though I was the one keeping him grounded.

 And I needed that, more than he probably knew. I had started a new story.

It was hard for me to write. It was hard for me to put myself in the mindset I had to be to write this story. But I needed to tell it. Because it needed telling.

Sitting in his chair, gazing out the window, he admired the families he saw outside. Father's swinging wives' hands. Kids frolicking through sprinklers. Dogs barking happily. A small smile crept to his lips as he allowed himself to enjoy the fantasy of someday being a part of that life.

But his smile faded as he was painfully jolted back into reality. Like a back-hand to the face, the words lashed across the forefront of his mind.

"You'll never have that, boy," It barked at him. "You weren't made for that. They don't want you." He shook his head, his nails digging into his knees.

"Stop," he whispered his eyes squeezed shut. He tried with all his might to push the voice out, to free himself from its abusive grasp. But he couldn't. It was pointless, just as it had been all his miserable life.

"Naughty boy," it sneered. "Don't waste your time. You'll never be rid of me. You'll never be different. I'm all you've got. I'm all you'll ever have," The voice reminded him. He shook his head again. Not in defiance. No, not this time. He shook his head in resignation. He already knew what he had.

He knew his reality, he knew his future. He knew it would never get better. He knew he would never be free. He knew as hard as he tried, he wasn't strong enough. He knew he couldn't win.

"Caleb?" he heard his mother call to him. "Caleb, come down for dinner!" Caleb dropped his feet to the floor, shuffling over the rug on his floor. He trudged down the hallway, trying his hardest to ignore the voice.

"Be a good boy, Caleb. Keep our secret," It whispered to him.

'Mother would love me anyway,' He thought, more to himself than the darkness-given-voice in his head.

"Silly, silly boy," it laughed. "No one will love you, not knowing what you are. No one could love who you are. That's why you have me. Because the world will turn its back on you." Caleb shuddered. "But me," it sneered. "Me. Me, I'll always be here. Me, I'll always be here."

'Why?!' Caleb asked it, directly, desperately. 'Why do I hear you?!'

"Why, Caleb?" it parroted back to him, growing angry. "Why? Because you are broken. Because you are weak. Because without me, you'd be nothing!"