A Collection Of Random Franzfics

squad house AU: the sloth vine

//ok this is supposed to be silly I'm not legitimately writing about Nick's fear of sloth vines//

"Alex! It's back!"

"What's back?"

"The sloth. THE sloth."

Alex sighed and rolled his eyes. It was 3 AM. He had shown Nick the sloth vine earlier. THE sloth vine. The one where the sloth fell off the sloth playground. That one. You know the one.

"What do you mean by.. It's back?" Alex asked.

"It freakin' ate me, Alex. Ate me." Nick whimpered.

"Sloth dreams."

"Yeah."

"Why are you so scared of that stupid sloth?"

"I-I wasn't scared until now. I just felt bad... Because it fell... And sometimes sloths grab their arms thinking that they're tree branches... And it makes me sad."

"Just get some sleep. You obviously need it."

"Alright. Do you promise you'll protect me if there's a slothpocalypse?"

"Yeah, sure."

•••

"Bob! Get down!" Nick sprinted into the kitchen and tackled Bob, who was casually eating a pop tart.

"Not cool, bro! What's going on?"

"It's the sloth. THE sloth."

"Nick, that's our cat. Galileo. Named after astronomer Galileo Gali--"

"HE'S ALIGNED WITH THE SLOTHS. THEY'RE COMING." Nick dragged Bob under the table.

"First, ow. Second, no sloths are out for you."

"The sloths are after you, too."

•••

"We gotta do something about Nick. Suggestions?" Alex thought that his sloth incident was the only sloth incident.

"He tackled me earlier. He said that Galileo's aligned with the sloths." Bob pointed at Galileo, who was just chilling in the corner.

"He said that everyone we know is secretly a sloth. He said I'm a sloth. He won't talk to me now." Paul added.

"We should probably go find him. I haven't seen him since like 9."

"Fair enough."

After ten minutes of searching, the guys found Nick huddled in a dark corner of the basement.

"Nick, are you okay?" Alex asked, dropping so he could meet Nick's eye level.

"You're a sloth! You're all sloths! You let Galileo, and THE sloth, and their sloth army capture you!" Nick scrambled away frantically.

"I'm calling the sloth sanctuary." Bob whispered and walked back upstairs.

•••

"This might sound a little weird, but our friend is terrified of sloths, and he thinks they're taking over the world, and we need to show him that sloths are just cute gentle creatures that are adorable." Bob explained.

The lady from the sloth sanctuary laughed. "That's... Pretty unbelievable. Do you want to bring him over here?"

"Yes! Thank you!"

"Anytime! Be here by 2:30 so we can give your friend the full sloth experience!"

•••

"Where are you taking me?!" Nick asked once he was forced into the backseat of Alex's car.

"Sloth fallout shelter." Alex shrugged.

"Good! I thought you were trying to get me to like sloths!"

"He doesn't even know!" Paul whispered. Bob air-fived him silently.

"What do you mean I don't know?" Nick hissed, pinning Paul to the seat.

"You don't know... That the shelter has video games! And pop tarts!" Paul used his improv skills.

"You think I'm that stupid, Thomson?"

"Bring it, McCarthy!"

While Nick and Paul were battling it out, and Bob was trying to stop them, Alex was pulling into the driveway of the sloth sanctuary.

•••

"He's usually so nice, but... He watched the sloth vine... And just kind of lost it." Alex explained.

"THE sloth vine?" Caroline, the sloth expert, asked.

"Yeah, THE sloth vine."

"Why's he scared of that?"

"Who knows."

Nick was currently pressing himself against the glass wall, staring directly at the sloths.

"Everything's okay, Nick. Look at how cute they are!" Alex smiled, watching a tan and brown sloth climb a pole, only for it to fall off.

"IT'S HIM. HE'S THE LEADER!" Nick slammed into the glass wall.

"He's so nice. Just... Pat his head." Bob patted the sloth's head softly, and it made its iconic sloth noise.

Nick crawled over slowly. The sloth looked up at him. He reached out and gently patted the sloth's head.

"Waa." The sloth responded.

"This little dude's so chill! No wonder Galileo's aligned with them!" Nick laughed, "but the rest... Who knows."

"Galileo? Like, the astronomer?" Caroline asked.

"No, like our cat, named after the astronomer." Paul shrugged.

"Oh, cool!"

Nick played with some other sloths, and his conspiracy theory slowly dissolved. The sloths started to get sleepy after a few hours of endless playing and endless "waa" coming from the glass room. Before leaving, Nick patted every sloth, and every sloth replied with a soft, sleepy "waa."

•••

"You did so great today! Here's your complimentary sticker!" Caroline booped Nick's forehead with a sticker that said "I'm a Sloth Scout!"

"Can I come back? Like, every day?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, and wait, hold on..." Caroline dug through a box behind the sloth expert desk, "here's your complimentary stuffed sloth!"

"Thank you!"

"Anytime, little dude. Anytime."

•••

"I totally understand why you guys align with the sloths. I think I'll join you." Nick smiled.

"So your conspiracy theory isn't gone?" Alex asked.

"No, of course not! I'm just on the sloth side now. Waa."

"Waa." Alex agreed.