Dreams & Disasters || Tronnor au

|| F I V E ||

Monday had never felt so awful before. It was sickeningly slow, and each minute dragged on like hours. I felt like curling into a ball alone and crying. I was confused, I was lost. I just needed time to think. Busy bakeries weren't the best place to do that.

I skipped people's orders. I forgot what they said. I spaced out. I spelled simple names wrong. I gave them too much change back. I just couldn't stop thinking about the baby.

"You're gonna be a father," Bethany had whispered to me just the other night. She had sounded so happy, like finding out she was pregnant was the best news in the world. And maybe to her, it was. But I had no idea how I felt.

I didn't know if I was happy, or disappointed, or anything. I just knew I was scared.

Scared of responsibility. Scared of commitment. Scared of my feelings. Scared of hers.

And scared of what the fuck would happen.

Finally the day was over, and I wobbled out of there without a second thought. I hadn't reached my car before someone called my name.

"Connah!" I turned my head to see Troye behind me. I forced a weak smile and kept walking.

"Hey, what's the matter?" He spoke more quietly, his words soft and tinged with concern.

"N-Nothing," I mumbled, continuing to walk, but he only followed next to me.

"Are you sure?" Troye asked, "I know a fake smile when I see one."

"Yeah, I'm fine," I snapped, a little harshly. I was just in a sensitive mood.

Troye noticed my uneasiness but didn't seem offended. "If you say so. I know I'm not your therapist, but just know that you can talk to me about anything."

I nodded. I reached my car and gave him a sad smile before climbing in. "Bye, Troye."

He didn't say anything, he understood that I didn't want to talk. He just turned his head down, looking back once, and walked to his car. I was already out of there.

As I reached home, I felt bad for snapping at him. He was only being a caring friend, and I was just acting like a bitch. In fact, I would rather talk to Troye than Bethany. Ever since I heard the news, I had felt slightly more uncomfortable around Beth, and I don't know why.

I reached home, a part of me dreading to see her, and a part of me not knowing how to approach her or what to say. She was sitting on the sofa on her phone, and looked up as soon as I walked in.

"Babyyy!" She cried, opening her arms and hugging me. Her sappy-sweet mood was only getting on my nerves, and I wished she could tone it down once and awhile. She broke apart, giving me a huge grin. "So, I was thinking about baby names and-"

"Wait, what?!" I cut in, eyes going wide. She wasn't seriously thinking about keeping the baby, was she? "What do you mean? Beth, are you thinking about-"

"Of course!" she said, hurt. "I've thought about it. And I think we should keep it. We can handle it, right?" She stepped a little closer, giggling, "I mean, you would make the best father ever."

I took a step back, shaking my head. This was a big deal, and she had no idea what she was talking about. "You can't be serious . . .?"

She pouted. "Why not?"

"We're so young! Babe, we've never even talked about this," I gawked. "This was a mistake, and we don't even know where this relationship is going!" I regretted saying it as soon as the words left my mouth.

She just stared at me. There were a few seconds of extremely tense silence before she broke. "W-What do you mean, we don't know where this relationship is going?! I thought we were going to get married!"

"Get MARRIED?!" I laughed. I was shouting now, angry at her stupid smile minutes earlier and her immature, annoying way of always getting what she wanted. "Who the fuck said anything about getting married?!"

"Babe-"

"I'm sorry, I need some time alone," I pushed away from her and stormed outside. The whole house was hers and it felt like there was no other escape. Back outside, I felt like I could breath a little more. I walked down the street, hoping a stroll would calm down my stress.

I didn't know what to do.

What did I do?

I already knew Bethany wouldn't ever get an abortion, and there was no way she would give up the baby for adoption. It scared me, it felt like she was holding me in a trap. There was no way out.

If I broke up with her she would be a single mom, and I knew that she knew nothing about raising a child. There was no possible way she could do that all by herself.

And why was I thinking about breaking up with her? God, I must be such an awful boyfriend. I thought we had a good relationship. We didn't fight that often, unlike now. We used to be really close, we spent hours together and it was just like the relationship I had with my best friend in third grade.

Friend.

What a weird word. I mean, what did a friend really mean?

I knew what it felt like to have a friend. It felt fun and sweet and caring and non-sexual. Just trust and the kind of best friend love that was like having a real family.

Imagining Bethany as my friend somehow seemed to calm my nerves. A friend. Was that really all I saw in her? All those times we spent together.

Had I really wanted to kiss her that night at the pool? Had I really wanted to ask her on a date, a real date? Had I really wanted her to be my girlfriend? Had I really wanted to move in with her? Had I actually wanted to sleep with her at all?

After everything that happened, was a friendship all I wanted from her?

I kind of knew what love felt like, at least I thought I did. From what I heard, it felt beautiful. Sometimes painful, and sometimes painful in an addicting way. It felt fluttery and dreamy and like being swept off your feet. It felt amazing, a connection between two people that was like none other.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what love felt like.

But it didn't feel like that with Beth. I just couldn't get those thoughts when I pictured her. Instead, I saw someone else.

Someone with blue eyes.

Someone who I knew.

Someone who wasn't Bethany.

I gulped, panic rising in my chest. These feelings were swallowing me up, making me scared. I couldn't talk to Beth about it.

Troye's word's played in my head. I knew something for sure; I needed to talk to him.

~

A/N: I know this is short but I wanted the rest to be in the next chapter. ALSO 21 pilots is amazing and so is the 1975 and so is Halsey and Melanie Martinez and Troye Sivan and Adele and Icona pop and Marina And the Diamonds and Tkay Maidza and Years & Years and Zedd ok bye.