A Guide to Being Super

Rule #9

Rule #9: Save a damsel in distress (it never fails to make you feel better). Sometimes being a hero can get you down, give you the blues, and you need some kind of pick-me-up. Sure, the usual standbys may work (sad music, exercising, booze, whatever you're into), but heroes sometimes need an added boost. And that added boost can come from saving a damsel in distress. Don't worry, I'm not subscribing to gender roles here. Damsels, for lack of another word, can come in many forms. I don't care who you save ― a kitten, a dude, a girl, a tree ― but I can guarantee no matter who it is, it will make you feel better. It's just a perk of being a hero.

So, since we had promised, Rachel and I went to the superhero meeting with Dan. I'd like to say that we flew in like the bosses that we were (and are, let's be honest), but instead we took Dan's lame car. The guy, for some reason, still didn't trust me to fly myself to the meeting, let alone taking him and Rachel as well. You fly into a lamp post one time... Some things are just unfair. Also Dan said that he didn't want me making a fool of us as we landed at the meeting. Which is, I guess, fair. But he totally would have been the one to embarrass us, not me.

Anyway, once we got to the meeting basically everyone else was already there. Okay, I'll admit it, we were kind of late. But it wasn't my fault! Rachel had decided that she looked ugly at the last minute and held us up by trying to make herself look more grown up with makeup (there's only so much makeup can do). It took TWENTY MINUTES, I'm not even kidding. It was ridiculous. Naturally this meant that Dan was completely freaking out when we walked in the building. It's really what he does best.

"They're going to be so mad," he mutters as he pushes us to the elevator.

"Chill, dude," I said. "They're not your parents. Things will be okay."

"You don't know what they're like! They... they get very testy. Especially with me." By this point I was pretty freaked out. Dan was stressed even for him. Rachel and I just sort of looked at each other in confusion. And as comforting as that moment where you and someone else can silently agree that someone is completely crazy, it doesn't actually do much. Once that moment's over all you have left is a crazy person, which sucks.

"Ah, there they are," PG (you know, Purple Guy) said as we rushed into the room. "You're just in time."

"They're late," another hero, this one in blue, said.

"For the meeting, yes, but not for their demonstration."

"Technicalities."

"I'm so sorry for being late," Dan said. "I have no excuses, just regret."

This seemed to appease everyone, not that they seemed too upset to begin with, but the blue hero still looked rather grumpy. He glared at all three of us like we'd tracked in mud onto a white carpet.

"It's quite all right, Daring Dan. Why don't you and- I'm sorry, what did you name yourself again?" PG asked me.

"Mighty Matt. And he named me," I growled, pointing to Dan who actually looked proud.

"Wonderful. Daring Dan why don't you and Mighty Matt come up to the front so you can demonstrate the progress you've made."

Dan nodded and ushered me into the space the heroes had cleared out for us. Anyone could tell that he was nervous, there was sweat sneaking out from under his mask, but he tried to remain calm for my sake, not that that helped. I thought I was about to shit my pants. Every hero in the area, all of them better trained than both of us, was waiting to see if I was any good and, subsequently, if I was worth putting their faith into. Part of me, my usual cocky and overconfident self, wanted to just say "screw it" and get this over with. But the other part of me was paralyzed by fear. For a split second I considered just flying out of the room and going to Hawaii or something, whatever it took to get away from this, but before I could Dan was attacking me.