A Guide to Being Super

Rule #21

Rule #21: Defeat your nemesis once and for all. Or, if you can't do that, at least defeat them for this week. That's usually how it goes, actually. You defeat your nemesis and then they show up again, it's just what happens. But if you can defeat them for once and for all, great for you! We all aspire to be you. What? What do you do when you can't even defeat them until next week? Yeah, I don't have a good answer for that. Most likely you're a pretty horrible hero and you should retire. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this.

As much as I hated to admit it, Rachel's plan wasn't half bad. No, that was unfair of me. To be honest, her plan was kind of genius. Maybe not genius enough to get us (meaning me, let's be real here) out alive, but maybe just genius enough to save the city (and everyone in it) in the process.

But, as good as her plan might have been, it wasn't going to be easy. Like with all true adventure stories, we had to face some obstacles first. And the first of those obstacles was getting our uniforms, which for some reason we had left in our house and not in the lair (like I said, the plan, and us by extension, wasn't exactly genius enough to get us out alive), which meant that we had to sneak into our own house (which was lame on so many levels) and get them without our mom or Ron noticing. Easy, right? Of course not.

You'd think that, after months of training, I'd be good at sneaking into places by now. And you'd also think that, after years of being a nosy brat, Rachel would be especially good at sneaking into places, specifically our own house. But of course, because we were us and the universe hates our fucking guts (please don't hurt me because of that comment, universe, you know I love you), Noodles decided to let everyone know we were there.

You guys remember Noodles, right? The stupid little dog that the neighbors have that I almost killed when I discovered my super strength? Yeah, that little shit of a dog. Apparently Noodles was holding that little event against me and as soon as he saw Rachel and I creeping into the backyard through his fucking hole in the fence, he started barking his head off. My first instinct was to fly away (which was a pretty good instinct, if I do say so myself), but I had Rachel with me, who was too far away for me to grab and fly away with, and by the time we realized what was going on, our mom was in the backyard with Ron not far behind.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

My mom was never someone to work up to her maximum anger setting.

"I, uh," I said.

"We're..." Rachel tried to say.

"GET INSIDE, NOW."

She stomped back inside and we followed her silently. Ron stood by the door as we walked by, a mug of coffee in his hand.

"Hey guys," he said.

Ron was someone who didn't have a maximum anger setting. There was only the one setting.

When we got inside, our mom was already sitting on the couch, her arms crossed over her chest. Ron leisurely walked over and sat next to her, still sipping his coffee. Rachel and I sat down in front of them, shooting each other a "the world might be ending but we might die before that happens" look as we did so.

"Explain," my mom said.

"Well-" Rachel started to say but my mom instantly cut her off.

"I don't even want to hear it."

"But you said-"

"No."

"Maybe we should take a second to take a breath," Ron said, shooting my mom a look of his own.

"Maybe the kids should explain what the fuck they were doing outside when they've been missing for who knows how long."

"We're trying to explain," I said. "Just please give us-"