I Don't Love You

I'm Not Good With Directions And I Hide Behind My Mouth

Day Three

"I hate him." It's a casual statement, nonchalant almost, emphasized by the way I fold my arms stiffly across my chest.

"Obviously," Bob says around a bite of toast. He's sitting across from me in the hotel cafe, scarfing breakfast. My own stomach could only hold an apple and even that made me feel sick. "You kissed him because you hate him."

I narrow my eyes at my supposed best friend, frowning. He's supposed to be agreeing with me, but the sarcasm is practically dripping from his lips. Instead of trying to explain my actions, I shrug. I don't honestly know what I would say. I'm not exactly sure why I kissed Gerard yesterday and I don't know why I'm telling Bob about it now. I guess I was sort of hoping he would help me make sense of the mess in my head, but so far he has been of no use. I decide to direct the subject away from my own actions, focusing on Gerard's instead when I say, "He didn't come back to the room last night."

Bob quirks an eyebrow. "Were you waiting up for him?"

I roll my eyes and lean forward to rest my elbows on the dining table. "No. But... I don't know." I lower my voice, as well as my eyes. I watch the empty plate in front of me, the ugly paisley pattern on the tablecloth, anything but Bob's steady gaze. "I'm an asshole," I repeat the same words-- the last words-- I said to Gerard yesterday after I'd kissed him, and then sigh. "He messes with my head, Bob. He gets inside my mind and he makes me doubt everything I feel and he doesn't even know that he's doing it. I don't know why I kissed him. He put me through hell and I want so badly to hate him, but I don't. I can't. Maybe I did it because I like seeing him squirm. I like seeing him uncomfortable and angry and upset because it shows me that he's still fucking human. I like knowing that he's still Gerard."

I finally look up to meet Bob's bright blue gaze. There's a sad frown pulling down on his lips and I can't describe his expression as anything less than pitying. "You know he's not the same guy you used to know, Frankie." And it pisses me off to hear the softness of his voice speaking those harsh words. It hurts more than anything because it conveys what he's really feeling-- He feels sorry for me. "Frank, it's been two years. You think you still know the 'real Gerard' but people change. Maybe it's time you move on."

My eyes narrow and I find myself glaring across the table. "You think I haven't tried to move on? Bob, I lost my fucking virginity to a stranger two nights ago because I was trying to move on. Before that, I was stuck in a hell hole we call High School. In case you've forgotten already, I was beaten up and made fun of every fucking day. There was no getting away from that."

"I know," Bob starts to say, but I interrupt him with another sharp glare.

"Do you?" I challenge. "I've told you the stories, but you have no idea what it's like to always be the punchline of the joke. Literally. You don't know how it feels to be shoved into a locker and trapped there for two hours before the janitor comes to the rescue. You've never had your head held under toilet water until your lungs are full of it and you'd rather die than spend one more second under the water. You've never had to look your parents in the face-- your own fucking parents-- and know that they're disgusted by your mere existence."

"Okay," Bob cuts me off. "I fucking get it, alright? Geez, Frank." He looks physically pained, almost ill, and it's only then that I realize there are tears gathering on the waterline of my eyes. I wipe a hand at them immediately, willing them away. I won't cry, dammit.

Still, I sniffle and look down again. "Look, I get it," I admit. My voice sounds wrecked all of a sudden and I feel exhausted. "You're worried about me. And I'm grateful for that, I really am. I haven't had someone care about me in a long time. But... Fuck, Bob. It's still him. It's Gerard. And I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but you didn't know him before all of this. He used to be my best friend. And I know you hate it, but I know that he's still the guy I fell in love with."