I Don't Love You

It's Fun and Games Until We Both Get Hurt

October 13.
Four months after Vegas.

In the four months since I'd left Vegas, and Gerard, behind not much had changed. I looked like the same high-schooler I was before. I've got the same shitty job, only now it's full-time instead of part. I've got the same lack of ambition and the same hatred of this stupid small town.

I envy Gerard for being able to run away from it all. To start over; a new person, a new city, a new life.

We haven't spoken in months. Apparently he'd gotten my number from Mikey. Admittedly, I was surprised by that first text. It was simple, to the point, when he said "It's Gerard. Mikey gave me your number. If you don't want to talk to me, you can delete this and pretend it never happened."

It was stupid, but I didn't hesitate to message back.

We texted one or twice, but it was always awkward and stinted conversation. Surprisingly, it was Bob that suggested we try Skyping.

"It will be less weird face-to-face," he explained. "Texting is too personal. You can't just say "Hey, what's up?" or send stupid memes back and forth. You guys aren't ready for that."

Gerard almost immediately agreed. So here we are. My borrowed laptop sits open on the floor, the blue screen both welcoming and taunting me.

I'm fucking nervous. How ridiculous is that?

I'm utterly unprepared when the words pop up; Incoming call . Almost instinctively, I click deny. The screen goes back to the home page and I sigh. I find Gerard's screen name and take a deep breath before calling him. He answers in seconds.

It makes me feel better when Gerard appears on the computer screen, looking just as awkward as I do. But more than that, he looks the same as I remember. It seems he hasn't changed as much as I figured he had. And that makes me relax.

"Hi," he smiles, lifting his hand in a wave.

"Hi." I return the gesture.

The conversation is slow at first. Two strangers, people who once knew each other attempting to rekindle an old friendship. Forced nonchalance and small talk.

How have you been?

Good. You?

Good.

Eventually, it's Gerard that steers the subject into more informal territory.

"New York is a change. It's not that far from Jersey, but living here is totally different."

"Good different?" I ask.

He grins, a smile I haven't seen in a long time, and nods. "Yeah. It's great. Especially with the whole..." he pauses, shrugging and lowering his voice when he says, "you know... the asexual thing."

I try to offer an encouraging smile. "Have you told anybody? About you?"

Gerard shakes his head sharply. "No. I can't yet. Telling people will make it seem more real."

I nod, understanding this. "You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready."

Gerard looks down, clears his throat. It looks like he wants to say something, but no words come. I decide to change the topic before he gives himself an aneurysm. "How's Mikey? I hear from him every once in awhile, but we don't talk much."

"He loves Chicago," Gerard chuckles. "He's still seeing Pete. He likes to complain about the distance, but he seems happy. How about Bob? You're still friends with him, right? Even after everything that happened."

I sigh. "Yeah. It took some time. I stayed pissed for a long time after Vegas, but... he's my best friend. The only family I've got. We actually just signed a lease for an apartment. We started moving things in last week."

"You're moving in together?" Gerard asks, and the surprise and insinuation sound in his voice.

I scoff. "I'm not dating Bob, dude. We're just friends."

"Yeah... No." Gerard shakes his head. "I'm sorry. You're right. It's just..."

I nod along. "You were a homophobic asshole for two years," I tell him bluntly. "And now you're trying to change. You're still learning. You're trying to not assume stupid shit. I get it. I'm gay, but I have a totally platonic living arrangement with a man."

"There's a gay guy in my Intro to Animation class," Gerard says.

"Oh." I furrow my eyebrows in a grimace. "Gerard, I hate to break it to you, but you're an art major. There's probably a lot of gay people in your class."

"Well... Yeah. I know." But he sighs. "I just mean, I know he's gay. He's really open about it. He talks about his boyfriend all the time." Gerard stops, looking down for a long moment. He's got that expression again, like he's searching for words. This time, I wait. Eventually, he swallows hard and looks up at the camera, staring directly at me through the screen. "I'm sorry. For everything I did. For outing you and for being a dick about it, for lying and for treating you like shit. I'm sorry that your parents disowned you. I know that it's not entirely my fault how everyone reacted, but it all started with me. And I am so fucking sorry, Frank."

A lump rises in my throat. All this time, and he's never apologized. I'd been kicked around and bullied, my entire life ripped apart, and Gerard never once said sorry for being the catalyst that started it all. Now, staring at him through the screen as he swallows his pride and says those words, something loosens in my chest. It's like a wall breaking into dust, shattering and just floating away in the wind. It feels lighter. Suddenly being stuck in this shitty town, with this shitty job, doesn't seem so bad because it occurs to me that things can change. Gerard is changing. He's becoming a better person. And I realize I can change, too. My life, my situation, all of it can change. I just have to take the first step.

"I forgive you," I tell him. And if we both cry a little bit, nobody ever has to know.